Pastor Wayne Cordeiro & Scott Hogle, VP Sales
July 12, 2020 - W2028

Fixing Your Relationships

Faith Fixer Upper

July 11 & 12, 2020 

Pastor Wayne Cordeiro & Scott Hogle, VP Sales

Aloha, New Hope--Anywhere & Everywhere! Co-teaching with Pastor Wayne today is Scott Hogle, Vice President of Sales for I Heart Media and best-selling author of “Persuade.”  Scott is husband to Kate (one of the leaders in Women in the Word Ministry) and is a father, motivator, and great communicator.

PASTOR WAYNE: Today, we'll continue the series Faith Fixer Upper and topic is Fixing Your Relationships, talking about times when people go through challenges and experience relational breakdowns--feeling it's hopeless to rebuild, thinking, “Might as well just amputate and throw it away!” We can't do that! Relationships are far too precious. We need to change, but often feel that we lack the power; so, we'll talk about rebuilding relationships and friendships God's way. 

The following principles apply to every one of us.  In my many years of counseling marriages, I've never found one problem marriage, but I've found dozens of problem people who got married! The problem is not with the institution of marriage; it's with the people getting married.   

It's important to make that distinction because marriage is not the problem. We're trying to get rid of the institution of marriage in today's society, but we're really fighting the wrong battle and barking up the wrong tree. Marriage requires maintenance because it is dynamic living entity, made up of many important things, such as, people, emotions, and futures. Any living thing requires maintenance, and marriage definitely requires maintenance--that's how marriages stay healthy! When we're dating, we are idealistic, each person is putting his or her best foot forward.  Then they get married, and when morning arrives--reality hits!  Welcome to the rest of your life!

When you're dating, you're delighted to see how similar you both are; but the day after the wedding, you both realize that you're not the same! You're very different; you need to establish character to handle the differences--as your differences will be there throughout your marriage! 

Establishing Character: Romance has been built and your future has been planned, but that may not be enough! Character has to grow. We would all agree that it's easier to get married than it is to stay married! When you're married, problems continue to arise that needs to be worked through! It's a high maintenance deal that marriages often lack; and problems ensue! We think the marriage is dying--but it's not really!  

The problem is that character flaws, immaturities, and pride begin to surface under the press of relationships. Marriage is more of a marathon than a sprint, and one of the tough things is that you and your partner will be going through this marathon together--but not at the same time! Sometimes the cadence is off: He will build, she will lack; then she will build, and he will lack! It will take place over time! But if you treat marriage as a sprint instead of a marathon, you'll just rough it out, look around, and say, “Is that all there is?" Take your time and build well! 

I've counseled couples who were struggling in their marriages, and when things got tough, many wanted to give up and amputate the relationship! What good is it if you're successful in your business, career, and even church, and you lose your marriage and your family? It doesn't matter if you're a pastor or an elder, you lose! I always tell these couples that you need to fight for your marriage and your family because if you don't, nobody else will! 

INGREDIENTS THAT WILL HELP BUILD A LOVE THAT WILL LAST A LIFETIME: 

1. Make God Your First Priority

Ephesians 5:25 NKJV says: " Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her,"

The way husbands love their wives depicts a lesson to the watching world of the way Christ loves the church.  God gives men the baton so that they can become the object lesson of how God loves people. Living out that lesson is an honor God has given to husbands!  If we do that poorly, people will have a poor image of God. Husbands, if God is your greatest love, she will be dearly loved and very much cared for because God will be speaking through you! But, if God is no longer your first love, she's in trouble because your strength, love, and grace comes from God, and you will quickly run dry!

2. Your Second Priority is Your Spouse

Your spouse is more important than anything else--your children, charitable work, or job. Wives, there's an Office of a Husband that is placed in your life by God. Keep your respect for that Office high, because respect is like the soil in which love grows! When you respect someone, it's easier to love that person; but if you lose respect for that person, it's tougher than nails to love them. God is saying keep your respect high for the Office of the Husband, whether his performance is good or not! God will work on his performance, character, attitude, demeanor. 

Performance will vary, but the office that God placed remains; it's not about his performance. It's the issue of your faith of respecting what God has placed in your life! When your husband gets that kind of respect, I'll give you my word, he'll begin to perform a little better! Respect is incredibly important in building a love that will last a lifetime; it's mutual--not a one?way street! 

Ephesians 5:33 KJV says: "Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverences (respects) her husband."

Mom and dads: The best thing that you can do for your kids is to love and respect each other; this will build confidence and security in their hearts. Once you establish these priorities, you'll be able to cooperate with God's design for your marriage.

God's first and best option is to heal your marriage. Healing requires a willing heart on both sides, so do it as a team! Make your marriage your vital priority. When troubles and challenges are just starting, resolve them right away!  Don't wait until they fester and get infected. Set your heart to resolve every single one of them; don't let it go underground because it will start a sewer in your marriage! 

SCOTT HOGLE: Whenever I hear Pastor Wayne preach, I ask myself, what did he say that so impacted me? What's God speaking in my heart? What really resonated with me was that Paul said in Corinthians that we've been given the ministry of reconciliation. That reminds me that it's more important to be reconciled than it is to be right! I've been so blessed to be married for the last 20 years to the most amazing woman in the world. I've noticed that we don't really argue that much, but we have little skirmishes--and once in a very long while we'll have a blowup! I've discovered that it usually comes from the way we're handling the disagreement and not the issue itself. In other words, the whole issue gets lost because of how we're discussing the issue.  In fixing our families, some of the very practical things we can use are found in the Bible. God has given us many practical tips that I want to share with you: 

1. "Speak sweet words to me." A few years ago, I was doing some end?of?year goal planning, when suddenly I had a desire to become a better husband to my wife. I wondered how could I do that? Some time went by, and I couldn't quite figure it out, so I went to her and said, "Honey, I'd like to become a better husband to you. How can I become a better husband?" She said: "Speak sweet words to me." I said: “Okay, well, what else?” I was serious. I really wanted to become a better husband--but that was it?!  

I thought that's not that big of a deal. I was really committed to becoming a better husband, so I wrote it on a piece of paper and also typed it up.  I had a file system at work for every day; and all the work that I had for that day would go into a particular file. So, I printed the phrase: "Speak sweet words to me," five different times and put it in for each day, and every morning I would pull the file for that day, and that's what I would see first.  

Ephesians 4:32 ESV says: "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."

Since I learned the principle to be kind and tenderhearted no matter what, it's changed not just my communication and relationship with my wife, but with everybody else. I love the principle of the Relationship Bank Account: With every conversation, there's an emotional transaction happening under the surface when you're either making deposits into or withdrawing from the bank account. For instance, when families get broken, things happen at work, when you become irritated, you will break relationship and make a withdrawal. 

And you make a deposit when you speak sweet words to them! Be kind and tenderhearted towards them as Christ is to us. My wife calls that speaking with the kindness of Christ. A very important principle I learned from Pastor Wayne: “That hill is not worth dying on.” Here's another way to say it: Never put an issue in your life above your relationship.  

Whenever I have a difficult situation to handle, I go to this scripture--it's always very powerful: Proverbs 15:1 NIV says: "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."

Anytime you need to confront somebody, or somebody is confronting you; you must figure out how to respond. Always remember that a gentle answer will always be better than a harsh comment. Being in The Office of the Father, the buck stops with you!

2. Love them the way that they need to be loved.  We must listen with our hearts! In my book, “Persuade,” I teach how to connect and develop relationship skills; and listening is an important part of that.  If you rearrange the letters a little bit, "listen" spells "silent." Breakdowns in relationships come from a failure to listen. May the Lord open the eyes of our heart, so we learn to love those in our family the way that they need to be loved--as Christ loves the Church! 

One day, there was a blow?up in the kitchen:  My younger son, my wife, Grandma, and I were talking; and I couldn't tell you what happened--but my son got angry and left, and I was the object of his anger! Grandma said:  Why don't you go see a counselor. Sometimes we need outside help; God will send people into your life to speak into your kids' life. I didn't know what to do, I just wanted the relationship healed! So, we went to see a counselor and she fixed the problem in one meeting--one conversation--what I had been powerless to fix in two years!  

I had broken the Platinum Rule:  I was loving my younger son the way that I wanted to be loved, and the way that had worked successfully for my older son.  And she said, "You've got to just listen to him, Scott."  Paul says in Ephesians, "I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened."  There's a discernment of the spirit that we've got to pick up on.  

So, we brought Casey in, and told him what the counselor said, and asked him, "Is this what you're saying?  Is this why you're so angry with your dad?"  And he said yes, and here's the end of the story.  I looked at Casey and I made the hardest promise I would ever make; and, frankly, it was so hard to keep!  I said, "I promise I won't encourage you.  I promise I won't try to cheer you up.  I promise that when you tell me you're having a bad day I won't show you the positive or the sunny side."  Here's something else I learned: Let me just confess completely.  I'm a trained professional teacher in business and I teach people how to listen! I failed spectacularly!  

You see, breakdowns in relationships sometimes don't come because of what we say; sometimes it's because of a failure to listen!  May the Lord enlighten the eyes of our heart so that we can learn to love those in our family the way that they need to be loved, not the way that we love.  

Exodus 20:12 NIV says: "Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you." This is the first commandment with a promise. 

3. Express thanks and appreciation on every occasion. Thank someone today!

STUDY QUESTIONS:

1.      What can you do today to make your marriage better?
2.      How will you help others heal their marriage?
3.      In what ways are you being a positive example to your children?
4.      How are you being honest with the Lord regarding your marriage?
5.      What are you doing to honor the Lord with your marriage?