Pastor Josh McDowell
January 22, 2017 - W1704

What I will share with you tonight is based upon my experiences of working with young people as well as my own children. I have spoken with more young people than anyone in history or who is alive. I read what young people read. I listen to what young people listen to, and then I interact with them.

Over the years I have struggled with the question of what motivates a child. What triggers a child to follow your values, to know Jesus Christ, and to love the scriptures? About eighteen years ago, I realized the answer. The answer is described in a picture of a pyramid and in a picture of an iceberg floating on the water. The top of the pyramid, or the top of the iceberg, floating above the water is an individual’s behavior. The bottom of the pyramid and the bottom part of the iceberg floating beneath the water is the messy part that you do not see.

Values drive people’s behaviors. Your beliefs or your view of the world, form your values that drive your behavior. The question here is what triggers the beliefs of young people? The answer is relationships. Relationships engender beliefs that form our values that drive our behaviors.

In the Bible, David said, “For I am constantly aware of your UNFAILING LOVE, and I have lived according to your TRUTH.” (Psalm 26:3 NLT) We should be this way moment by moment – not once in a while, and not a couple of times in a week.

David also said, “Teach me your ways, O Lord that I may live according to your TRUTH!

… for your LOVE for me is very great.” (Psalm 86:11, 13) NLT

This is a prayer that I wanted my children to sincerely pray, and a prayer that I believe every one of you would like your children to pray.

The Bible says, that we should be “Speaking the TRUTH in LOVE” (Ephesians 4:15)

You can speak the truth with hatred; however, love cultivates the ground to receive the truth.

Here are three Biblically based phrases that I have developed over the years while raising my children:

1. Rules without Relationship Lead to Rebellion. Kids don’t respond to rules without the context of a loving relationship.

2. Truth without Relationship Leads to Rejection. You can bring your children to church and teach them the truth, but if they do not know “My Daddy loves me.” or, “My Mommy loves me.” then truth will not be learned nor retained.

3. Discipline without Relationship Leads to Anger, to bitterness, to resentment.

The Bible says, “For I am constantly aware of your UNFAILING LOVE, and I have lived according to your TRUTH.” (Psalm 26:3 NLT)

After millions of dollars spent, researchers have found only one thing that will override outside influences such as peer pressure, pornography, the internet, movie pressure, advertisements. It is primarily having a loving and intimate relationship with one’s father. A mother’s influence was not as strong in regards to this area.

Dartmouth Medical School and several other organizations wrote a report based on the results of fifty studies on young people. The report stated that the moment a child is born, the child’s brain is wired to connect in relationships.   The report went on to say that to impart one’s values or truth on another, one must develop a loving and intimate connection with the child, and modeling the truth or value should be done to have it ingrained in the child.

Jesus says, “I have given you an example to follow. Do as I have done to you.” (John 13:5 NLT)

The Apostle Paul said, “My children, pattern your lives after mine, and learn from those who follow our example.” (Philippians 3:17 NLT)

Columbia University did a study to find out the effects of alcohol, drugs, and violence between children that were raised in a single parent home by their mothers versus children raised at home by biological parents. The results of the study were that the children raised by their mothers were 30% more likely to use drugs, alcohol, or be violent. The study also said that children raised in a biological two parent home, who had a poor to fair relationship with their Dad, were 68% more likely to use drugs, to use alcohol, or to be violent. Contrast this to children who were raised by both biological parents, and who had a good to excellent relationship with their Dad, there was a less than 6% probability that these children will use drugs, or alcohol, or be violent.

God intended the relationship within the structure of a family to impact a child’s life.

David said, “For I am constantly aware of your UNFAILING LOVE. And I have lived

According to your TRUTH. (Psalm 26:3 NLT)

After the Columbine shooting, the FBI commissioned a study to profile the identity of potential shooters in schools. The FBI study revealed three ingredients:

1. They are all White.

2. They are all middle class.

3. The father was either absent, distant, or did not get involved in parenting.

Johns Hopkins University commissioned two doctors named Thomas and Duazunski to do a study on the common cause for mental illness, hyper tension, malignant tumors, coronary heart disease, and suicide. They found that the commonality was the lack of closeness to parents – especially the Father. The researchers also found that a child raised in a very loving and intimate home environment, especially in relationship to their Dad, was able to handle stress much better as an adult. The American Psychological Association stated that men who say they had a good relationship with their father while growing up, as adults, react less to the day to day stress.

Psychologist Melanie Horn Mallers from the California State University at Fullerton found that teenage males aged 12-14 years, without a close relationship to their Father, were 300% more likely to attempt suicide. 15-16 year old males were 400% more likely to attempt suicide.

The lyrics from one of Lindsay Lohan’s songs, is “and I wear all your old clothes; your polo sweater. I dream of another you. The one who would never leave me alone to pick up the pieces. A Daddy to hold me, that’s what I needed.” Michael Jackson said during his trial that at age five, he remembered turning around and saying “Daddy” when something had gone wrong. He then remembered his Dad saying, “I am not your Father. I am your manager, and don’t you ever forget that.” Michael went on to say that he just wanted a father to show him love.

Michael, Lindsay and others like them never had the opportunity to see their Dad’s unfailing love. The Bible says, “For I am constantly aware of your UNFAILING LOVE, and I have lived according to your TRUTH.” (Psalm 26:3 NLT)

While doing a talk at a high school assembly in Phoenix, a group of “Goth” tattooed crazy kids dressed in black with mascara and chains around their necks stood a short distance away while glaring at me as I started my message. So after a minute of speaking, I changed my message to talking about intimacy. The definition of intimacy is the capacity to be real - no facade or barrier with another person, which is what every kid wants from their Father. When I finished, instead of attacking me, one of the leaders came up to me and with mascara smeared all over his face from wiping away the tears in his eyes, asked me to give him a hug. After hugging me, he said, “Mr. McDowell, my father never once hugged me or told me he loved me.”

This young man never had the opportunity to experience unfailing love. The Bible says, “For I am constantly aware of your UNFAILING LOVE, and have lived according to your TRUTH.” (Psalm 26:3 NLT)

As a father I wanted to be a proactive in raising my children by catching problems or attitude issues early before they became ingrained, so I asked them three questions. How they answered determined my response. If they answered yes, then it was easy to mold them. If they hesitated, then I could still mold them, but it may be difficult in that area. The questions were:

1. Son, do you know that I love you?

2. Son, do you know that I love your mother?

3. Son, when you get married, do you want to have love, marriage, sex, and a family like what I have with your mother or relationships with your kids like I do with you?”

These questions addressed relationships, and had nothing to do with content.

Rules without relationships lead to rejection. Truth without relationships lead to rejection.

I grew up in a small town of 1800 people, where my Dad was the town drunk. Either he was trying to beat up on my Mom or I was trying to beat up on him. For seven years, from 6-13 I was homosexually raped in my own home by a man named Wayne Bailey, while my parents allowed this to happen. Therefore, when I went to college, I was bitter and mad at God. What turned me around and brought me to Christ was the love of God. I experienced this from a small group of students and two professors who had a genuine love for each other, as well as for people outside of their group. It’s the relationship that I wanted. God used the relationship with that bunch of Christian people to transform me and break down my emotional wall against God. I had carried around the thought that my Dad had hurt me, so how could I be open to my Heavenly Father?

Folks, I want you to go to my site and down load the 7A’s of parenting (the 7 principals of parenting). This is the next part of this message on how to build a relationship with your children, your employees as a business owner, and your congregation, as a pastor.

Questions:

1. How have relationships impacted your life?

2. How will you use cultivate relationships within your family to ingrain the right values?

3. What is Unfailing Love and its impact on truth?