Pastor Wayne Cordeiro
July 24, 2016 - W1630

Did you ever hear the words, “my marriage is failing”? You probably even thought that “sour” marriages only happen to other people, and you probably didn’t think it could happen to you. You married to be happy forever, but now it’s fading.

In all my years of counseling couples, I’ve never come across a problem marriage, but, I‘ve seen a lot of problem people who get married. That distinction is important to make because marriage is not the problem, but in fact, marriage is the hope.

A couple’s problem might really be a lack of maintenance on their marriage and that’s how problems arise. It’s those unresolved character flaws that seem to surface during the marriage. They tend to buoy up from the bottom with such a rush that they flood the marriage and threaten to swamp it. There may be character flaws in you or your spouse, but your marriage is your greatest asset. Marriage is not the problem.

The story is told of a man who was laying flowers on his mother’s tombstone when right next to him a middle-aged man was crying like crazy, wailing, in fact. He wouldn’t stop. And between wails the first man heard him say, “Why did you ever leave me? I can’t live like this. Why did you die? Why?”

The first man turned and said, “Excuse me sir, I don’t want to intrude, but, what’s the cause of such deep grief? Is it you mother that died? Your child?”

“No”, he said, “It’s my wife’s first husband.”

What’s worse than losing a marriage is never resolving the issues that led to losing that marriage because if left untreated, those flaws will sentence you to repeating the same mistakes. We need to resolve those flaws so that we can change for the better to avoid repeating them.

No matter what stage of our relationships we are in, we all need to hear this message. Some of you might say, “Well, I’m not married yet, but when I do it will be forever”, like that Nat King Cole Song “When I fall in love, it will be forever”. But someone once said that on the way to the altar, you’re going to discover there’s three rings in each ceremony. There’s going to be the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-“ring”.

Regardless of where we are, God’s highest and utmost desire is to heal and restore. That’s His greatest purpose for all of us no matter what stage of life we are in or whatever problem we are facing. He especially wants to restore and heal marriages that are sinking. The greatest miracle we can ever hope for is that marriages be restored to wholeness, and God has a desire to do that.

But, we must first recognize the faults that surface, regardless from whom it originates, we must deal with the faults starting with our own and resolve them before losing the marriage. We cannot ignore the faults. But, in truth, we rather ignore them because it will require some deep emotional work to fix them. But, we cannot make believe it’s not there, they won’t disappear. Ignoring them will just transfer a problem from our past into problems in our future and it creates a corrosive effect. There’s going to be ugly, painful flaws on either side, however, restoration is ours and God’s ultimate goal. Restoration is core to any marriage or situation. That’s the divine reality.

Because life is going to be a long trip together, we need to make some agreements from the very beginning. We need to prepare in advance like the pilot sets his coordinates for his plane flight. If we set the incorrect coordinates we will end up in the wrong place. The scripture says in Proverbs:

“A house is built by wisdom and becomes strong through good sense. Through knowledge its rooms are filled with all sorts of precious riches and valuables.” (Prov. 24:3-4 NLT)

If we have faith in God, then we’ve chosen the Bible as our guide in life, but if the other person in the relationship doesn’t share that same faith and asks something like “I don’t follow the Bible as you do, but can we just make it that our love is all that really matters?”, then that will not work. There is no love stronger than the love of God.

Think of marriage like building a house. Even though we may agree on the whole picture of the house, if we have different blueprints, something will go wrong. As the house is being built from different angles, and different blueprints, then the house will not meet properly in the middle. No matter how sincere our efforts are or how great a builder we are, there will be a huge rift in the end. So we need to make sure that we build from the same blueprint or architectural design and then work hard at sticking to those designs so that at the point of contact, we’ll meet squarely on target. Make sure we’re reading from the same map, especially when it comes to our faith.

However, it is too easy, even as Christians to say, because we didn’t marry according to God’s will then it’s probably best to end this marriage. But, one bad decision is never going to be repaired with another bad decision. God places great value on the words spoken when we were married and He wants us to fulfill those vows to one another because He was present when those words were promised and He’s still with us to help us keep those vows.

The Lord repairs lives by starting right where we are rather than undoing what has already been done. He wants us to trust Him right where we are because marriage is not just words, it is action. If we value our marriage then He will show us how to repair it. There’s two ways to show value to our marriage. The first is to: 1. Treasure our marriage.

Here’s a small illustration: Years ago when I was in college I bought the most melodious sounding instrument for a very costly price. It was a Martin Guitar. I treasured that guitar and plucked out many songs and travelled many miles with that guitar. I even made plans to pass the guitar on down to my children and grandchildren.

There came a time when the guitar needed repairing and I was willing to incur any expense for its repair. I found the best craftsman I could afford. And although he told me that it would be costly to repair I told him, “The cost is secondary to me. Please do your very best to repair it because this guitar is my life”.

I really loved that guitar. I treasured it because part of my life was actually soaked into the very wood of that instrument. Do you understand?

The same is true of our marriages. Our relationships may need constant repair and they might even become a bit expensive to repair, but if we treasure that marriage we would commit to do anything to keep it and we would repair it no matter what the cost. We would be surprised how many miracles have taken place because of this devotion. If we can strive to keep this commitment then God will infuse His power to help us heal our home.

Many of us can come up with many excuses on how difficult or expensive it could be to heal our marriages, but we have got to accept that high maintenance cost, so that the fruits we bear will be fragrant and real. We will have to water it and care for it, pruning it back a bit and shaping it, but it is alive and it’s thriving. Marriage is a high maintenance proposition, and if it’s going to be a fruitful one, there’s going to be a price to it, but it is worth it.

Let me say something to the husbands, Men, treasuring a marriage really starts with us, not the other way around because we set the tone for our homes. As the leader or the head of our families, we provide the loving direction in our marriage. Here’s a simple tip on how to treasure our marriage, we need to speak value into our spouses and children.

Remember that when we were dating, we would compliment our girlfriend or fiancé telling her how beautiful she is or that she did something really well. That was when we infused value into her life. But somehow after the wedding we, men, stopped passing out those compliments and our wives feel less valued and things go spiraling down, even in our kids. So I encourage us men to continue to value our wives and children because the way we treasure our marriages matters more than anything else we do.

Yes, this may all seem like “window dressing” in our marriages, but it’s not. It is just as crucial as our next point, which probes even deeper.

2. Stay committed to the one committed to you.

The beauty of our marriage vows is that it was not just spoken by two people, but it was spoken as witnessed by God, Himself. He is constantly working to help us fulfill this commitment too. So when we are running out of strength, trust in the Faith of Christ. Do everything possible to cooperate with the prayers that Jesus is praying for over our marriages. You see, He is praying for our marriages. Remember that the secret of a lasting marriage is by falling in love over and over again and always with the same person. God’s going to help us, we just need to trust Him.

One practical step we can take is to become honest friends. See, people don’t fall out of love initially, they fall out of friendship. If there’s a struggle in our marriage and we lose friendship with our spouse, think about it, we are lost. If we are committed to be friends we can work out the problem because our relationship is not based on performance, it’s based on friendship. Our marriage is worth far more than any issue that comes up if we are friends.

You see, if our friendships fail in our marriages, then it doesn’t matter to either of us who is right or wrong, even if there was a prophetic word from God. We would not listen to each other because we no longer even like each other. When friendship fails then we become people who are impossible to please, we resent and resist any solution, even if God is giving us the answer because it is at that point where we have stepped out of that relationship.

So work at being able to say that our spouse is our best friend. Do whatever is possible to regain that relationship and we will find that when we make that choice to be friends, we can honestly say, that although the problems exist we can work it out because we are friends. Treasure our marriage more than anything else.

Arlene Alda, wife of actor Alan Alda, once said, “In our society it’s becoming easier and easier to leave your spouse, but in any society it will always remain difficult to leave your best friend.”

So keep our friendship with our partners. Confess faults to one another. Do everything we can to apologize and humble ourselves. Do whatever else we need to do to maintain our friendship with each other. It’s crucial. We need to become deeply invested in the friendship with our spouse. That will be our greatest treasure.

The next tip is very important, we need to seek and submit to Godly counsel. It’s like when we purchase a new car, we always take out a service contract because nothing ever stays new forever. There is always some kind of maintenance. It’s the same with marriage, we need to plan for what lies ahead. We should make plans that if anything should go wrong that we would seek Godly advice. If we don’t plan that in advance, when the time hits us, pride may set in, and one or both may usually refuse counseling.

Many times we need that third person to help us see things clearly and objectively. We can become too emotionally involved to figure things out on our own. But it is not in only seeking counsel but we need to submit to it also, just as the Bible says in Proverbs:

“Listen to counsel and accept discipline, that you may be wise the rest of your days.” (Prov. 19:20)

Those two words are important and powerful in all this, “listen” to counsel and accept the “discipline”. We need to do both, not one without the other. You see, in every marriage there are three sides to the story, yes, three. There is your side, the other side and the truth. Sometimes only someone sitting on the outside can see what we are both missing on the inside of our home.

So for those of you just starting out together, please make a prenuptial agreement, no, not about money, but about seeking counsel. Make a commitment together that if your marriage starts sinking and you can’t pull it off on your own in a given amount of time, then you both commit yourselves to getting help.

Now what I am about to say will not be ideal, but, it is reality. Sometimes, marriages don’t survive, but you must survive and hold onto your faith. In the midst of everything spinning out of control, God can and will still be able to lead you Home. Just as it says here in Hebrews: “So God has given us both His promise and His oath. These two things are unchangeable... Therefore, we who have fled to Him for refuge can take new courage, for we can hold on to His promise with confidence. This confidence is like a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls...” (Heb. 6:17-19)

We all need to be able to say, “Lord, I know that You’re the One that makes me whole. My source and anchor of joy is found in You and You alone, not on how well my marriage is performing. My soul must be anchored in You.” We need to grab a hold of God and we’ll always have that Anchor that will sustain us.

Now please, hear my heart for you as I speak into this very rough situation. Sometimes you’ll feel like the world is caving in on you. You may feel like a drowning swimmer lost at sea in the midst of a hurricane, but there is the “Life Preserver” that I want to throw out to you. Anchor yourself in Christ, not the state of your marriage, or finances or anything else. If He is your Anchor, He will bring you through. Let me say it again, He will bring you through.

So regardless of whether you have a great or not so great marriage, your wholeness will never come from your marriage, it will always come from Christ. Nothing can ever change that. Keep your anchor in Christ so that you can find the strength beyond yourself, and He will help you to love more than you are able to feel and you’ll be able to walk farther than you could ever imagine.

Study Suggestions

1) What is the condition of your marriage?

2) If you are single and dating what is the foundation of your relationship?

3) Where does your strength and hope come from?

4) What are some of your flaws?

5) How can you repair them?