Pastor Dave Barr
April 25, 2010 - W1017

Sermon Summary Notes

April 24, 2010

Title: “Processing Conflict Productively”

Speaker: Pastor Dave Barr

Our topic today is about “Processing Conflict Productively.” How many of you go through conflict everyday? Our speaker today is Pastor Dave Barr. He pastors New Hope on the Windward side of the island.  We have watched his church grow exponentially. We also have seen him grow spiritually personally and his teaching abilities. He understands processing conflict because he has a family and young kids. He has experienced and weaved through conflicts and processed them.

We are going to talk about how to process conflict productively. It is easy to process conflict destructively. Conflict is evitable. In any long term relationships, conflicts do happen.  When conflicts don’t happen, you are dead.   We have conflicts with our kids conflicts,  with our co-workers, with our ministries, and with our parents. 

This reminds me a story, I once heard of  a boy who just got his  driver’s permit. He went to his father and ask him to borrow his car. His father gave him conditions before he could borrow his car. The father mentioned to him that he needed to get his grades up, do his devotions and cut his long hair. He gave him thirty days to accomplish those conditions before he could drive his father’s car. After thirty days had passed, he came back to his father. He told him he was ready. His father ran down the conditions with him. He agreed with the two first conditions but he still saw he had his long hair. The son then debated with his father that Moses had long hair, so does Samson and even Jesus. His father said “Yeah, I agree but they also walked everywhere they went.”

That is not a bad way to resolve conflict. It is not always easy. If we don’t know how to process conflict and we don’t know how to resolve issues, it kills relationship.  It takes away our joy and happiness can be yanked from our hearts. Now we are going to be mentored by Solomon in the Old Testament. He was a great example to teach us about absolute conflict resolutions because he had 700 wives and 300 concubines. In fact once I was reading this about a child who wrote an essay about Solomon. It goes like this “Solomon, one of David’s sons had 700 wives and 300 porcupines.” Indeed, Solomon knew how to handle conflict, he had 1,000 women in his life. You very believe it! Just remembering their names must be hard. Yeah, his 996th wife comes to him and he said, “ Yes, hey Sarah!”  In turn, she said “ No my name is Serena.” Solomon understood conflict. Let us be divinely mentored by Solomon.

First  point:

1. Calmly LISTEN.

The next time you have conflict with someone you need to do this. Before you speak truth into someone’s life you need to put your mind in gear before you put your mouth into motion. This is church. Confession is good. You need to lift your hands if this had happen to you. This is the question. Have you said words that you should have not said?

Yes, there are so many of you. How many of you needed to lift but didn’t? Yes, person next to that person lift their hands. Yeah at the end of service you will have more conflict. I think we had said to someone some hurtful words that we shouldn’t. I know I have. I think we say the most hurtful words to the people we love the most. We ended up slicing & dicing our family with our words. Doesn’t that bother like it bothers me? I know we would say things to our family members that we won’t say to people at work. We could cause a lot of damage.

Read the following verse by Solomon:

"Reckless words pierce like a sword..." (Prov. 12:18a)

I didn’t realize that careless words have damaged people badly. When things are said to me, most of the time it doesn’t bother me. But my wife reacts differently to careless words. Be sure next time you say something carelessly say this to yourself: you need to put your mind in gear before you put your mouth into motion. Anger management is due most of the time to mouth management. We need to be careful of what comes out of our mouths.

Let us read the next Bible verse:

"When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise." (Prov. 10:19)

Let me share with you visually an example of how people get filled up. This help me zip my mouth. In life people are going to be stress. I have a balloon here to illustrate it. You know when people are going through financial difficulties they get stress (blows into the balloon). When kids are complaining, you go through stress (blows into the balloon). When your in-laws are coming for two weeks to stay in your house, you get stress (blows more air into the balloon). You have to remind yourself that you have to let people vent. We need to let people processes words. Men we don’t have to give the solutions all the time. We need our family members to vent.

My wife has allowed me to share this event that happened to us. We were driving from the East to the ocean coast in our car. I had my three daughters were in the back as passengers and my wife was sitting in the front. She has her hands on my shoulders. Everything was going great. As we were driving along, my cell phone rings. It was a work related call. I am talking on the phone while driving. We were approaching the Waimanalo side heading to the Kaneohe side where we live. I didn’t notice a family crossing on the Waimanalo road. My wife’s hands were on my shoulder. My wife saw the family crossing, but I only saw them on my peripheral vision side. Within 2.5 ½ seconds, she went from a deflated balloon to a filled balloon. She said, “DAVE BARR, HOW COULD YOU? YOU CAN’T TALK ON THE PHONE WHILE YOU ARE DRIVING!!!” In response, I just nodded my head. Then, next she said “ YOU CANNOT MULTITASK!!!” I just kept nodding my head. No words came out of my mouth. Then she said more things. “HOW DO YOU ON LIFE LIKE THIS?” “ DON’T DO THIS WHEN WE ARE IN THE CAR. YOU COULD GET KILLED BY YOURSELF.” I just calmly listened. I gave her a chance to decompress. She was fine afterwards. I don’t do this all the time. I forget. It doesn’t need to be just big things that our family members need to  vent even the little ones. We think it is not fair, not our fault, but we need to let our pride go. Let them to get it out before you speak to them the truth. An good example of that was Jesus. He endured unfounded malicious angers from the people that persecuted him to save you and me. If you do this there would be less argument in you home

Evaluate yourself on how you calmly listen.

Let me give you parameters:

1= don’t talk issues much.

3 or 4 = don’t listen much and I interrupt.

8= I try to let people vent and I calmly listen.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

2. Calmly CLARIFY.

Let me give you an illustration: A short skit:

Scene 1:

Wife preparing dinner as the husband comes in; greets husband as he comes in;

Wife instructs husband to change baby’s diapers. Husband ask what is for dinner. Wife narrates her day. Boss lets her off late. No time for full grocery shopping. Next wife, comes to sit next to her husband on the sofa. As they were conversing, husband tries to make a phone call to his job. Wife gets frustrated. She explains and get mad. Exchange of words. Then, they both say they have a problem. The counselor comes on the scene. Asked the wife to give her version of the story.

Scene 2:

Wife gives her version. She gives her own perspective. The things that change she was the one that was right. She was sweet to her husband and agreed to everything. She calmly listen to him. She project the husband as a mean husband. Then the counselor comes on scene and ask husband his version.

Scene 3:

Husband gives his version. He projects himself as calm and the wife mean. He portrays the wife as possessive and jealous woman. On the other hand, He was sweet to her and just agreed to everything. He had his own perspective.

Indeed, we all have our own perspective. That is why absolutely we need to clarify. Let us hear what Solomon’s words how we could get patience in Proverbs.

Let us read:
"A man's wisdom gives him patience." (Prov. 19:11)

Wisdom means in Hebrew shakkul  means understanding. Let me read this simply to you. A man’s understanding gives him patience. A woman’s understanding gives him patience. Solomon says in this proverbs that to gain understanding we need to calmly.

Let us read the next verses:

"The smart person says very little, and one with understanding stays calm." (Prov. 17:27 NCV)

An example of that is you have to clarify everything they say

"If you listen to constructive criticism, you will be at home among the wise." (Prov. 15:31 NLT)

Evaluate yourself on how you calmly clarify.

1=  We doesn’t seem to understand

5-6 = sometimes I clarify

10 = most of the time I clarify

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

3. Calmly COMMUNICATE.

"A gentle answer will calm a person's anger, but an unkind answer will cause more anger." (Prov. 15:1 NCV)

WHAT TO ATTEMPT:

• Speak low and slow.

Don’t patronize them; it will calm you down when you speak slow not sarcastically.

• Affirm you appreciate they shared their heart.

Give them a compliment.

• Affirm what they have been doing right

Give them the benefit of the doubt.

• Admit your part of the problem & seek forgiveness.

Confession is good.

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" (Matt. 7:3 NIV)

Try to visually imagine a plank in your eyes. Be sure that you have cleared yours first.

WHAT TO AVOID:

• Don't use sarcasm.

• Avoid using absolutes like "never, always."

Don’t ever use this words. It will get you in trouble.

• Avoid "you" statements and use "I".
• Avoid "but" statements, use "and".
• Avoid threatening with words or actions.

Bullying doesn’t work in a relationship. Don’t slap, hit or shake someone.

Get someone to help you when you become that way.

We all need this next step:

3. Call on CHRIST.

We need to call on Christ when we are going through conflicts. Let us read the next verse as a prayer:

"Lord, help me control my tongue; help me be careful about what I say." (Ps. 141:3 NCV)

In conclusion, let us review how to process conflict productively: calmly listen, calmly clarify, calmly communicate and call on Christ. And that are the steps we need to follow in handling conflict productively.

DISCUSSION SUGGESTIONS

1. What are the four things you need to attempt when in conflict with someone?

2. How do you processes conflict productively?

3. Do women and men handle conflict similarly? Explain your answer and give an   

    example from Pastor Dave’s illustration or one of your own.

4. What does Proverbs 17:27 (NCV) say about a person with understanding?

5. What are the five scenarios to avoid when in conflict with someone?