Do you remember dating? Wasn’t it fun! Your date was good-looking and you found yourself in love. You got married and went on your honeymoon. Soon the weeks became months and months became years, then something happened. What changed? Before you knew it, what used to be “Wowie!” is now “Ouwie!” And what was once a sizzle is now a fizzle.

I think we’d all agree that marriage is difficult. So what should we do then? Well, in Hilo, we do a marriage class called Igniting Your Marriage Once Again. As part of our class we use the three R’s. These represent three stages of a married relationship.

1)     Romance is the dating stages of your relationship. This is when you find yourself in love.  You both have eyes for one another and are creative with each other. You do things without hesitation for each other.

2)     Routine is the stage after the honeymoon. This is when work (e.g., taking care of the children and home) becomes a daily chore. This is when you’ll find the spark in your marriage has faded.

3)     Roommates is the stage where you’re living together but nothing else is going on in your marriage.

Marriage is perhaps the most important earthly relationship we will ever have so couples should treat their spouses as if everyday was Valentines Day. We know that all marriages need lifting from time to time but couples should ask themselves, “What do we want our marriage to look like?” and challenge themselves to take their marriage to the next level.  But how do we do that?

The key is to invest in and upgrade your marriage. And though we’re talking specifically about marriage today, the principles we’re discussing apply to all relationships as well. In order to make our marriages (and relationships) work and last, There are four key commitments we need to understand.

THE FIRST INVESTMENT THAT WILL HELP REKINDLE SOME SIZZLE IN YOUR MARRIAGE IS TO:

1.      MAKE A COMMITMENT TO A LONG TERM GROWING MARRIAGE.

Notice that it says marriage, not roommates. Notice also that it says growing. This indicates that there is something happening, a growth to make the relationship better. This is very important for the health of your marriage. God designed us in such a way that we would connect with one another. In addition to the desire, He gave us the ability to have relationships along with the capacity to love and express it. This is what I call the “Oneness Factor.”  Jesus summarized it this way in the Old Testament. “This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” (Gen. 2:24 NLT).  In fact, when God created Eve for Adam, Adam said, “This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh” (Gen. 2:23 NAS). In other words, God designed us in such a way that our spouse would complete us and enhance our lives.

For those of you who may be thinking, “I must’ve married the wrong person then!” that is not true. You don’t need a new spouse, you need a new attitude is all. Be aware that when we’re in the routine stage of marriage, grumbling sets in. And when it does, ask yourself,”When was the last time I thanked God for my marriage?” This will keep your heart in check. Here is what the Bible tells us, “Since everything God created is good, we should not reject any of it. We may receive it gladly, with thankful hearts” (1Tim. 4:4 NLT).

All in all, God designed marriage to be good so invest in your marriage by committing to a long term growing marriage. The second commitment key is to…

2.  MAKE A COMMITMENT TO SERVE YOUR SPOUSE.

The word serve may be difficult for a lot of us however the Bible says, “Love each other with a genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other” (Rom. 12:10 NLT). Did you know that one way we honor our spouse is to serve them? “Then make me truly happy by loving each other and agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, working together with one heart and mind and purpose” (Phil. 2:2 LB). “Don’t just think about your own affairs, but be interested in others, too, and in what they are doing” (Phil. 2:4 LB). This tells us that selfishness kills while serving wins. This applies to all relationships, not just marriages. In fact when you serve someone else, it reflects your spiritual maturity.

As for me, I am a selfish person. Although I don’t want to be, there are battles inside me. For instance, if something needs to be done, I’ll wait to see if someone else will do it. Unfortunately, I’ve taken this into my marriage. As much as I want to serve my wife Verna, I sometimes tell myself, “Don’t get off the couch yet, maybe Verna will think you didn’t hear her and she’ll just do it herself.” Although you may laugh at this, I think we all do this.  Think about it, in the last twenty-four hours, what opportunities were there for you to serve that you missed or didn’t want to do? Make a list of them so that you may be conscious of them. From there ask yourself in what ways you can serve your spouse (or others.)

Yes, marriage is difficult and if you ask, “How long do I have to serve my spouse?” The answer is, “Pay all your debts except the debt of love for others-never finish paying that!” (Rom. 13:8 LB). This tells us we should never stop serving our spouse. If you think serving your spouse is hell then it may be the lack of maturity of your love. On the other hand, the stronger your love is the stronger your desire to serve. 

This is what the Bible tells us about love: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (1Cor. 13:4-7). So take the initiative and be pro-active in your love for your spouse.  Don’t wait for your spouse to do it first because guess what?  They’re probably thinking the same thing!

WHO STARTS?   YOU DO.

Remember that marriage is not about demanding for your rights. Remember that it’s also easier looking at your spouses’ faults than at your own. Jesus spoke about being responsible with love and when you love the Lord, you will not withhold love for (or an apology from) your spouse. This too is about attitude.

Before coming to Christ, we had our own understanding about love but when we become Christians, Christ transforms us to His love. Therefore, commit to serving your spouse unselfishly. This brings us to the third commitment which is to…

3.  MAKE A COMMITMENT TO SHATTER ROUTINE.

The routine stage in a marriage is when things start to get boring. The next time you go to a restaurant here’s how to tell who’s married and not. If you see a couple enjoying each other’s company with hugging, kissing and laughing, look to see if they have a ring on their finger. Then look at another table. If you see one reading the paper and not talking to one another, then they’ve got wedding bands on! So what’s wrong with this picture?

For some reason marriage became dull after dating; however, the Bible tells us otherwise, “Enjoy life with your wife” (Eccl. 9:9 NIV).   “…God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment” (1Tim. 6:17 NIV).

The question here is…are you fun to live with or is your idea of fun just watching television? Also, when was the last time you did something just for fun to break the monotony? Listen, if your life becomes predictable, your marriage becomes predictable as well. Eventually, this will kill your marriage. Believe it or not, this moves a couple quickly into the room-mate stage. So how can you enjoy one another?

HERES HOW ARE WE ABLE TO ENJOY ONE ANOTHER EVERY DAY.

E	ENCOURAGE your spouse everyday. When saying, “I love you,” say it with all your heart. Say words to build one another up because everyone needs encouragement. If you don’t know how, pray and ask God to give you words to say.
N	NEW. Do something new everyday. Start with the small things. For instance, when you get out of bed tomorrow, do it differently like go over your spouse! This will get your mind to thinking differently. This breaks routine. So ask yourself, what can I do new today for my spouse?
J	JUST TOUCH. Besides sexually, hold hands or put your arms around one another.
O	OFFER. Do things for your spouse. For example, while watching television offer to help by folding the laundry.
Y	YES. For men, when your wife tries on something new, say yes!

Be a fun person to live with. Ignite your marriage. This will shatter routine and bring spark to it. Soon you’ll find what use to be a fizzle will start to sizzle. Therefore, enjoy one another everyday!

And finally, the fourth and most important commitment to make is…

4.      MAKE A COMMITMENT TO PUT GOD FIRST.

This is the foundation. Everything else will fail if the foundation is not there. Did you know that God does not want our marriage relationship to be first? In fact, our relationship with God should be first. As for me, when I first heard this I really had a hard time dealing with it. It was hard because I loved my wife so much.

I talked to Pastor Wayne about this and he gave me some Godly counsel and I prayed on it. Then I took the risk to love God first and after that, my love for my wife grew more than I could have imagined. And then, something happened in my wife Verna. I don’t know how but my heart grew bigger. I could see my wife in a better perspective. In fact, the day I took the risk to love God first, my wife’s name changed…from Verna to Babe!

All of a sudden everything was vibrant and full of life. There is something in putting God first that makes all your relationships grow. Begin by placing your relationships in the right priority. The first is to love God. The second is your spouse. And thirdly, love your children. The full potential in relationships will never be realized until both husband and wife are rightly related to God first.

Love God above anything and anyone: “But if we are living in the light of God’s presence, just as Christ does, then we have wonderful fellowship and joy with each other” (1John 1:7 LB). The key to fellowship and joy is to be in the presence of God. A Christ-centered relationship will rise to a whole new level with whomever you are in the relationship with.

Think of it this way, a Christ-less relationship is like a black and white television but a relationship with Christ involved is like a giant, plasma screen television with multiple screens. There is richness and fullness of life in a relationship with Christ and this pours into your relationships with others as well. 

Furthermore, “Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing” (Jn 15:4-5). This tell us remaining in Him we will bear fruit. This also tells us that we are connected to Him.

What kind of fruit will we bear? “But when the Holy Spirit controls our lives He will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Gal. 5:22 LB). The Holy Spirit produces fruit and it happens when He is in us. Tell me, would love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control help you in your marriage? Of course it would!

The word self-control comes to mind here. As for me, years ago my wife Verna and I had a heated argument. (Yes, even pastors get into arguments. We’re human beings too.) Well, I got so angry that I picked up a chair and hit the wall. When this happened, the Lord said to me, “Alex, you have no self-control.” This sank deep into my heart. I struggled with this as I looked at the big hole in the wall. Then I prayed and asked the Lord to please teach me self-control.

The Bible tells us to ask and it shall be given. If you find yourself in need of a certain fruit of the Spirit, pray and ask God for it. You will get this when you are connected in a relationship with God.

But what if your spouse is a un-believer? What do you do?  Well, here is what not to do:  do not preach to them and do not try to shove Jesus down their throats. Instead, just love them! Be gentle, kind and loving. This is the area where you’ll bear fruit naturally. Love them with all your heart and quietly pray for them in the spirit. Soon, their eyes will see the beauty that Christ has in your life.

We all have the same issues in life – families to raise, jobs to attend to and mortgages to pay but the difference between a Christian and a non-Christian is the personal relationship with God (and Godly love) the Christian has to deal with these issues. We are not just His creation, but His children. “But to all who believed Him and accepted Him, He gave the right to become children of God” (Jn. 1:12 NLT).

I know that I am not smart enough to love my wife the way God wants me to love her. I am not tender enough to meet her needs the way God wants her needs to be met. And, I do not have the wisdom to see all the situations going on in her life. Therefore, I don’t rely on my own strength and wisdom to love her. More than this, I can rely on God’s strength and wisdom.

Romance is a beautiful thing. Isn’t that why we married our spouses! And it should not end when we get married, so invest in and upgrade it by committing to a long term growing marriage. Secondly, serve your spouse. Thirdly, shatter routines and enjoy life with your spouse. And lastly, but most importantly, place God first in your life! He is the One who will bless our marriage when we place Him above all else!  

DISCUSSION SUGGESTIONS

1.      Is your marriage declining, maintaining or growing?  Explain

2.      Review 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.  What character areas do you need help in? What ideas do you have to address them?

3.      Is the Lord first in your life? How has it changed your marriage?

4.      In what practical ways can you serve your spouse?

5.      During your dating days, where did you go and what did you do? What activities can you do with your spouse now?

6.      What part of this message impacted you most and how will you become a better person because of it?

"All scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong with our lives. It straightens us out and teaches us to do what is right. It is God’s way of preparing us in every way, fully equipped for every good thing God wants us to do.” (2 Tim. 3:16-17 NLT)

 Sermon Notes Ministry: Debbie Chang, Leighton Loo,

                                                Doreen Rabaino & Jay Tsukayama