New Hope Notes
Blended Families
Desperate Families
Pastor Elwin Ahu
June 25, 2006 - W0626
By the year 2010, the step-family will be the dominant family structure in
I was a little apprehensive about giving today’s message. As you may know, I’ve been divorced twice and made tons of mistakes along the way. It was hard to go back and dig up those lessons and replay the past. Besides, I don’t want people to think it is okay to be divorced just because I’ve gone through it twice and I’m a pastor today. That’s like thinking it is okay to go to jail just because some people are able to be released and go on to have a good life.
The fact is divorce is incredibly painful. It is more stressful than experiencing a foreclosure, losing a business, and having a close friend die all at the same time because there is no closure. The responsibilities that come with a breakup don’t just go away. So if you are thinking about divorce today, please seek godly counsel and find a way of resolving it so that divorce is not an option.
So what are the options? Well despite of current trends, the Bible gives us hope. There are answers for all of us -- families that are still intact as well as those that are blended. The Bible says: “Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it” (Psa. 127:1).
“And whatever you do, in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father” (Col. 3:17). In other words:
1. THE CENTRAL FOCUS OF YOUR FAMILY MUST BE ON GOD.
Money, job, career, or even recreational activities will not hold your family together. Family comes with a lot of responsibilities. And like a wheel with many spokes, it needs a center hub to provide balance and security in order to enjoy the ride. In a family, the center hub is God because Jesus said…“Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added to you” (Matt. 6:33).
And the benefit of your family being focused on the Lord is that:
- RESPECT, NOT PERFORMANCE, WILL BREATHE LIFE INTO YOUR FAMILY.
Respect and not performance will be the lifeline of your family. And the Lord gives spouses, parents and children some practical instructions to heed in order to keep families together:
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her; (Eph. 5:25)...and let the wife see to it that she respect her husband (Eph. 5:33). Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right...And fathers, do not provoke your children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Eph. 6:1,4).
Notice that the Lord does not list tasks for us to do, but He does speak about mutual respect for one another. Respect is seeing the value in another person through God’s eyes no matter what expectation we may have of them. They are still very valuable to the Lord. Now if our respect for one another is conditional on whether or not someone lives up to what we want them to do, it won’t work. That’s because the focus is off of God and we end up respecting them “only if” they do what we want. We’ll head straight for disaster.
When I was 21, I married my first wife. I wasn’t a Christian then, and I had a skewed view of what marriage was supposed to be like. I expected my wife to meet certain expectations. After a while she fell short of those standards and I began to lose respect for both her and the marriage. I felt justified in getting out of the marriage.
As a lawyer, I thought I knew what I was doing and wouldn’t make the same mistakes again. Thus, I jumped into a second marriage without getting any counsel. This time I doubled my efforts to increase my performance thinking that she would do the same. She had two children and all week long I tried to be the father I thought they should have. On the weekends, my son would come over and I felt I needed to “perform” for him as well and gave him all my attention. Meanwhile, my wife was wondering where she fit in. So I was motivated to operate at an even higher level and when their responses to all my efforts began to dip, again I thought, “This isn’t the family for me.” And I soon bailed out of that marriage too.
You see, marriage is a relationship that is based on love and respect for one another -- are we willing to see the value in another person despite the circumstances? Please try to understand this. Otherwise, your life and relationships will be based on what the other person can or cannot do.
If you are starting a new relationship with stepchildren, the best way to respect them is to give them time and space. Kids need time to figure these things out. They are going through issues that are confusing so be patient with this process. It actually takes about seven years of adjustment before a blended family can come together. And the best thing you can do is to love their parent (your new partner) well because it will show them that the house is secure.
The same advice is true if you are a child or a teenager in a blended family. It’s okay if you don’t instantly love your stepparent. But the Bible says you must respect them and see value in them as a person. How do you do that? Give the adults time to figure things out because they don’t always have it all together. They need time to figure things out, too. If you can see recognize their efforts in adjusting to this new family situation, it will build the foundation for a love relationship to grow.
Once that is established, parents can discuss discipline and responsibilities. But, without respect, we are kicking God out. No matter what, don’t lose respect for one another. The second point God wants us to remember is…
2. DON’T ALLOW YOUR PAST TO SHAPE CURRENT EXPECTATIONS.
Many times, a major cause of frustration in marriages and relationships is because we have expectations that aren’t being satisfied. We carry baggage from the past which prevents us from seeing the new blessings that are available in this new season. The Pharisees went through that. Jesus was trying to bring in a new relationship, but they were stuck in their old ways: “Neglecting the commandment of God, you hold to the tradition of men…You nicely set aside the commandment of God in order to keep your tradition” (Mark 7:8-9).
Jesus was poised to give them a brand new relationship with increased blessings, but they wanted to hold onto their past. We do the same thing when we fail to recognize and see the seasons ahead.
Now that Joy and I have adopted Jared, it’s changed our life. For example, I can’t just go out and surf like I used to and that has to be okay because the Bible says:
“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot” (Eccl. 3:1-2 NIV). In my journal, I wrote, “If I’m going to enjoy a successful, fruitful, and lengthy marriage with Joy, I need to recognize that my marriage is really a bunch of seasons that are put together. In the first season, we lived an unstructured and spontaneous existence. Now, we are moving into our second season with Jared in the house. Soon, there’ll be a third season with Jared in school. When I’m frustrated, it may just be because I’m bringing in expectations from a previous season into this next new season.
A wise man will be able to spot the new seasons ahead or even anticipate them. We can develop expectations according to our new season—and not live based on old expectations. How do we do that as a family?
- PLACE A HIGH PRIORITY ON BUILDING NEW MEMORIES.
Part of what makes a family feel like a family are the common experiences—the memories that we have of being together. The holiday season is a major pressure point for many families. We can respect the traditions that are already set, but spend time building new memories. Be creative and flexible. It sometimes takes time and money, but the bonding that can happen is priceless. Wherever you are, start making new memories together. Also:
3. ALLOW GRACE AND FORGIVENESS TO FLOW FREELY.
It is His nature and character. Our God is the God of grace and second chances—forgiveness. No matter what we’ve gone through or how many mistakes we’ve made, He extends forgiveness to us again and again.
“Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity” (Col. 3:12-14).
As much as the Lord speaks against divorce, I believe that with true repentance, when we bear our hearts before Him, God’s grace, love, compassion and forgiveness are so real that He will bring us back into His fold. No family is second rate in the eyes of God when there is true repentance. Just look at the Bible. It is full of dysfunctional families -- Abraham, Jacob, and David just to name a few. That’s why David prays, “Search me, O God, and know my heart. Try me and know my anxious thoughts.” (Ps. 139:23). Just like David, we must allow God to look deep into our hearts and reveal anything that needs His healing touch. It is the only way that we can move on especially if there is someone we have yet to forgive. Sometimes we have to drop to our knees, pray, and ask God to help us to let go.
God tells us: “...I set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live...” (Deut. 30:19 NIV)
Holding onto un-forgiveness will affect not only you, but your entire family. The enemy’s strategy is to divide and conquer and will use un-forgiveness to divide your family. Learn to break that, and to let the forgiveness and grace flow freely.
As a church family, we want God to be our focus and center. And just as the Lord values each of us, we must learn to respect one another in our families. We can let go of past expectations and build new memories in every new season. Our families will begin to find wholeness, forgiveness, and restoration when we allow His grace and forgiveness to flow freely. It’s time to run counter to the American culture of divorce and we as a church can do that.
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
- Notice that in Ephesians it does not list duties for each family member, but it does talk about respecting one another. What are a couple of things people have done for you, that made you feel respected?
- How do you show respect for those in your family?
- What are some positive qualities you believe Jesus sees in your spouse, that you have failed to see before?
- Often, if we try praying for blessings upon someone that we have yet to forgive, it changes our heart toward them. Is there someone that you need to pray God’s blessings for?
- What specifically do you feel the enemy has used to divide and conquer your family? To what degree have you cooperated? What have you learned today that will help you change that?
Summarized by: Robin Hart II