Pastor Mike Palompo
February 12, 2006 - W0607

What is love and how do we find the love of our life? Well my wife and I have been married for about twenty-three years and have two sons and one daughter. And as our relationship continues in growth and commitment for one another being married doesn’t necessarily guarantee a marital relationship will grow. So the goal today is to offer everyone a valuable resource with biblical principles for love. It’s not just for single people or parents with teens, but also for those married already. This message will give some guidelines that will help strengthen your relationship. And for the veteran or seasoned citizens, we need your leadership and wisdom as we create a culture here at New Hope that will turn our children into virtuous spirit-filled adults.

I was a youth worker for 16 years with Youth for Christ and found the number one reason youth fall away from the Lord is because of an ungodly relationship with the opposite sex. That’s why it is important for us to prepare for eventual relationships by maturing in our relationship with the Lord. When I started to get really interested in my wife Mona, we were working with Youth for Christ. One day I began asking the Lord “Is she the ONE?” Well, I was 25 then, working, and a little more mature in the Lord than I was at 15, so it was alright for us to begin a relationship.

So how can teens and others navigate their lives to get to that point of maturity? Though there may be some people who will remain single and that’s fine. However, for most people, their life will head toward a relationship of marriage. And that’s natural because…

1.     GOD DESIGNED US FOR RELATIONSHIP.

“And the Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a companion who will help him’” (Gen. 2:18) (See also Gen. 2:21-23 NLT) What should be noted here is that God knew that something was still missing from his life. And even though Adam had a perfect relationship with God and was walking intimately with Him, Adam was lonely. Therefore, Adam’s desire for companionship did not result from sin. It was by God’s design. Therefore, yearning for someone to love is not sinful; it is the natural intention God has for our lives. I can also say by the authority of this passage that the longing of our human heart in desiring a healthy relationship is from the Lord.

That is not to say that love means going out with a different girl or guy every night. Yes, we may be designed for relationships, but that does not always mean we are ready. How then do we prepare ourselves? Well, an important thing for us to learn is…Don’t look for Mr. /Miss Right …

2.     BECOME MR. /MISS RIGHT!

The Bible says, “Therefore you are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect” (Matt. 5:48 NASB). The word perfect translated from the Greek word “teleios” basically means to grow and mature. In other words, we need to grow up and mature in the Lord in order to be ready for a love relationship. And along with finding the love of our life is the question …

Should you ever get physical? In answer to that: the next time you consider getting physical with someone you are not married to…

·        REMEMBER THE “LAW OF DIMINISHING RETURNS”

What does that mean? Let’s say that you’re interested in someone romantically. When you finally get the courage to hold his or her hand, an excitement flows through you, a kind of “high”. However, the next time you hold hands, the feeling isn’t that big a deal. That’s what is called a diminished return. Later you may want to put your arms around each other and again excitement stirs within, another “high”. As time goes on, that “high” leads to another and another. Soon a Christian couple may find they have gone too far all because of diminished returns. So the wisdom here is not to even start being physical; be friends instead.

Another valid reason to refrain from sexual activity before marriage is the person you have a physical relationship with now may be someone else’s husband or wife one day. Think of how awkward that will be if you are friends with this couple!

The healthy marriage relationship is a trilateral one – a triangle relationship with God at the top point and the husband and wife at the base points as they focus their gaze upward toward God. The important thing to see is that as both the husband and wife grow in relationship with God progressing higher and closer to Him, they are actually getting closer to one another as they approach the peak of the triangle!

Why is it so important for us to keep our focus on God and why is it essential to a healthy relationship? Well, as human beings, we tend to see the faults or blemishes of another person and in time disillusionment sets in. However, imagine what would happen if a husband meets with God daily and asks God to show His will, feelings, instructions, and speech through this husband to his wife. Imagine how his wife would blossom and grow when she feels the love of God flowing to her through her husband. In the same way, when a wife spends time in daily devotion with God and relinquishes control of her husband to the Lord, in essence she ushers her husband closer to God. And in doing so, she offers words that encourage, affirm, and build her husband as he grows closer in relationship with God and with her.

Okay, you may be wondering…

How do I know I’m ready for marriage?

We will be ready if four of the five aspects of a Christian life is nearly complete or on solid ground. The first four aspects are our relationship with Christ, our life’s mission or calling, our education, and our career. Once we are ready with those four, we will be ready for the fifth area, which is courtship.

This concept can easily be illustrated by drawing a bar graph. The first area will represent our relationship with Christ. That bar should be almost completely shaded. The second bar is our calling or what we are called to do for Christ. The third is education goals whether it is completing college or some kind of job training. And the fourth bar is career goals or how we plan to support a family. The last bar is courtship or pursuit of our life’s partner. This is the last one because we need to have the first four areas well established before continuing to courtship.

Unfortunately, at 15 years old, we are not yet well developed in the first four areas even though we may be well over 100% in a passionate relationship. Thus, that can be a formula for disaster which usually leads to a breakup. And while breaking up is hard to do, it will get easier if we do it enough times. What I mean is that we begin to train ourselves to drop a relationship when problems arise. That’s because we’ve not developed a solid enough foundation before progressing to courtship. So we won’t stay committed. Even though many may say that will all change once they get married, in reality when things get tough in a marriage (and they will at times) we’ll approach those problems the way we’ve learned how to deal with it during our dating experience and that is by bailing out of the relationship or marriage.

You may be wondering why some relationships don’t turn out the way we want them to? Maybe it is because we put the love of our life ahead of our relationship with God. The point to remember instead is we must…

3.     LOVE GOD MORE THAN GOD’S BLESSINGS.

“This is what the Lord says: Because you have obeyed Me and have not withheld even your beloved son, I swear by My own self that I will bless you richly. I will multiply your descendants into countless millions, like the stars of the sky and the sand on the seashore.  They will conquer their enemies, and through your descendants, all the nations of the earth will be blessed – all because you have obeyed Me” (Gen. 22:16-18). You see, Isaac (the love of Abraham’s life, the promised son) became the greatest challenge or obstacle to Abraham’s relationship with God. That’s why God ordered Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. Then when Abraham was willing to relinquish his son even to the point of death to prove his love for God, an angel intervened and Isaac was spared and God continued to pour out His blessings on Abraham and his family. It is often too easy to mistakenly place a desired blessing before God. Here is how C.S Lewis puts it: “Brass is more mistaken for gold than clay is”.

Moses too faced a challenge in keeping his relationship with God first. The Israelites waited 400 years and was so close to entering the Promised Land. Nevertheless, they disobeyed God once again. Therefore, God told Moses to go ahead without Him because He would not be with them. “Then Moses said, ‘If You don’t go with us personally, don’t let us move a step from this place’” (Ex.3 3:15). Moses essentially says that if he had to choose between reaching the Promised Land without God and staying in the desert with God, he’d choose the desert. He chose God over His blessing.

By contrast, when Eve sinned and took the bite of the fruit she extended it to Adam. He had to make a choice between his love for God and the love of his life. In a fleeting moment, he made the wrong choice and thus both Adam and Eve suffered the consequences of that decision.

In conclusion, remember that though God designed us for relationships, we have to work on becoming the person God wants us to be instead of looking for Mr. or Miss Right. An important point to remember too is to refrain from becoming physical in your relationships because that may lead to going too far as dictated by the Law of Diminishing Returns. Then when we do marry, keep in mind the triangle relationship with the Lord must be our focus. And as our relationship with God grows, we will grow in our marriage relationship too.

Some guidelines for those wondering if they are ready for courtship is to develop the first four aspects of Christian life which is your relationship with God, your calling, your education, and your career. Finally, above all love God more than His blessings. This includes spouses, families – everything because the real love we are looking for is in Jesus.

Study Questions

1. Why did God design us for relationships?
2. How have you (or are you) developing yourself into Mr. or Miss Right?
3. Have you experienced the “law of diminishing returns” and what recommendation can you share with others?
4. If you are single, what areas do you feel you need to work on before approaching the area of courtship?
5. If you are married, would you consider the first four areas solid and well-developed? If not, how can you work on making sure that your marriage resembles a triangle keeping your gaze upon God and relinquishing control to Him?
6. Do you feel there are any blessings that interfere with your relationship with God? If so, what steps can you take to choose rightly as Abraham and Moses did?
7. What have you learned today that you can apply to your life this week?

Again, please thank Leighton Loo, our loyal and faithful volunteer writer who demonstrates his commitment and dedication to God’s call by serving this ministry faithfully. Mahalo!