Pastor Dave Barr
January 22, 2006 - W0604

I use to be an expert on parenting…then I had kids! In fact, my wife Lisa and I have three children:  Madeline is eight years old, Kayla is six and Mariah is 2 two. Notice there are four females in our household so please pray for me! By no means am I an expert in parenting but I know where to find everything I need:  the Bible.  The Bible is the greatest parenting book ever written; it’s where all parenting wisdom and instructions can be found.

If you’re single, you may be thinking this service won’t apply to you but on the contrary, we’re all surrounded by children in some form or another. You may have a niece or nephew, or children in your neighborhood. For some, you may be in what I call the “re-parenting” phase where the tables have turned and now you are parenting your parents. Then, when you think about it, we’re all children of God so we can even consider our peers or co-workers as “children”. So whether you’re a teenager, thirty years old, or turning 90 this year, we all have people in our lives to whom we can apply God’s principles of parenting.

FOCUS ON WHAT KIDS NEED...

Today I’d like to talk about three things that God wants us to do towards the “kids” (or people) in our lives. This is not meant as a comprehensive (all that you have to do) list to parenting; however, if we follow these principles, our stress will decrease and our satisfaction with parenting will increase. The first parenting principle we need to recognize is....

1. KIDS NEED COUNSEL.

Children need good influence and Godly direction. They need guidance and advice. Study after study has shown that the number one indicator of kids who grow up to be successful adults is whether they have a stable value system. In other words, kids who grow up knowing right from wrong do better in life than those who don’t. The Bible teaches this but now research studies are also confirming it. So, kids need to know what to do and what not to do.

Notice what God says to parents about giving counsel to kids: “You must teach these commandments to your children and talk about them when you are at home or out for a walk; at bedtime and the first thing in the morning” (Deut. 6:7). There are two things I want you to notice here.  First of all, notice the scripture says, “You must teach…” Notice that it does not say it’s the church’s responsibility or Christian schools’ responsibility to teach children about moral values; but rather, it’s the parents’ responsibility to teach their children. Although schools and church can help this process, parents have the primary responsibility to teach God’s commandments.

Then secondly, the scripture tells us to teach commandments to children, “…when you are at home or out for a walk; at bedtime and first thing in the morning,” meaning we should teach our kids all the time. Some people fall into what I call Christian “laundry service” mentality – they take their kids to Sunday school or to a Christian school and want them to be educated, baptized and spiritualized. Then they say, “When they’re eighteen, I’ll come back and get them.” But God clearly states it’s our responsibility as parents to teach our children God’s ways. Churches and Christian schools then reinforce what parents are already teaching.

Do you think parents are doing a good job of teaching their kids God’s commandments (i.e., what’s right and wrong)? Here’s a multiple choice question:

How much time does the average father spend in conversation with his children each day?

A) 16 minutes    B) 9 minutes    C) 3 minutes     D) 37 seconds

The answer is (D). Yes, it’s true! Cornell University did a study by hooking up wireless microphones to one thousand fathers. The microphones were kept on during the day which recorded conversations each father had with his kids for several weeks. With this, they found out that the average American father spends only thirty-seven seconds a day in conversation with his kids!  Yikes!

Many parents (mothers as well as fathers) get caught-up in the rat race of life and don’t spend enough time with their children. Both parents work in many families just to make ends meet, but in the quest to afford a “better life”, oftentimes kids get left behind. We need to realize that parenting is not a spare time activity. It is a full time job. Then to top that off, we must realize that we’ll only have our children for a season…then, they’ll become adults. So parents, make every effort to counsel your children while they are with you and whenever the chance arises.

So here’s a starting point for teaching kids God’s command: simply model for your kids what you want them to do. The truth is kids learn more from models than manuals, just as we learn more from watching people than from studying a book. Kids pay far more attention to our behavior than to what we say so if you are a parent, you are always teaching whether you want to or not by your actions.

The greatest thing we can do as parents is to be a model of God’s commands. For example, kids learn to read God’s Word by watching you read God’s Word. Kids learn to pray by watching us pray. And, kids learn to forgive by watching us forgive. In other words, we teach others by being an example. In fact, I believe the best way to be a great parent is to be a great Christian. Living out a vibrant & authentic relationship with Jesus is the best way to minister unto others rather than forcing Jesus Christ on them.

Here are some practical ways my wife and I give counsel in our home that you may want to try in your home: We put our kids to bed together and read them a two minute Bible story for kids. Or, we read aloud to them from a book called “The Power of a Praying Parent” and we talk over the lessons that we learn. Another great way to counsel them is just to play with them and spend time with them, to encourage them and to let them know they are loved. We don’t have to be perfect parents; in fact, there is no such thing as a perfect parent or a perfect child for that matter.  But through our relationship with our Heavenly Father, we also know that grace, forgiveness and love cover a multitude of things.  

So you see, it’s to our advantage to be intentional with how we spend time with our kids. If your kids are older, take advantage of meal time as a time to talk. At our family dinners, we often play a game called “highs and lows”. What we do is ask one another to tell us what the high point (or low point) of their day was.  This simple game really promotes communication and I’ve come to realize that it is a great way for me to find out what was going on in my kids lives. Now please don’t get the wrong impression that our family is a “Leave it to Beaver” Christian family, because we’re not.  But I can tell you that spending evenings and meal times with my family has paid huge dividends.

Just listen to the hope that God gives us when we counsel our kids: “Teach your children to choose the right path, and when they are older, they will remain upon it.” (Prov. 22:6). And for some of you, it’s not too late to counsel your kids even if they have moved out of your house. Let me encourage you to do something because all kids need counsel. In addition to needing counsel…

2.  KIDS NEED CORRECTION.

Because no one is perfect and kids make mistakes, they also need correction. They need discipline and training. Scriptures tell us that if we love someone, we should care enough about them to correct them. “If you refuse to discipline your children, it proves you don’t love them; if you love your children, you will be prompt to discipline them.” (Prov. 13:24).

Remember that God does not want you to punish your kids. Instead, He wants you to discipline them. So what’s the difference between discipline and punishment? Well, the purpose of punishment is to inflict penalty. For example, when something goes wrong, you’ll want to get even. On the other hand, the purpose of discipline is to promote growth. So whereas the focus of punishment is on the past, the focus of discipline is on the future. And whereas the attitude of punishment is often anger, the attitude of discipline is love.

It’s easy to find the faults in our kids and if this is what we focus on, the Bible tells us they’ll eventually give up: “...don’t scold your children so much that they become discouraged and quit trying.” (Col. 3:21). I’ve found that un-pleasable parents often produce insecure kids. So learn to discipline without destroying a child’s self-esteem. We should correct our kids quickly, quietly, calmly and sparingly, but most of all, we should correct our children in love.

I’m sure we’ve all corrected someone else in anger at some time or another, yet we need to realize that correcting in anger usually produces resentment. It sows seeds of anger and bitterness in the other person, which then produces resentment. Instead, let me encourage you to say three little words that will begin the healing process, “I was wrong”. Then once you’ve said that, follow with, “Please forgive me”. These simple, but genuinely spoken words can make all the difference in the world.    

So what do kids need? First, they need Godly direction and counsel. Then second, they need loving correction. And finally, they need compassion.

3.  KIDS NEED COMPASSION.

Compassion is a combination of love and understanding. And one of the greatest ways to offer compassion is to encourage others. Did you know that kids are starving for encouragement? The fact is…life is tougher today than it’s ever been before. The pressure, the pace and the expectations on kids are much greater now than they were a generation ago.

Children need large doses of encouragement no matter what age they are. And if you want to raise confident kids, you’ll have to build them up more than you tear them down. As someone once said, we need to give them far more strokes than with pokes.

Most people won’t tell you but deep down everyone (not just children) desires to be encouraged. We all need to be affirmed and appreciated. Yet for me, sometimes I hold onto encouragement as if it were expensive – but it’s not. So be liberal with your praise. As the Bible says, “Therefore encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing.” (1Thess. 5:11).

Encouragement builds and fortifies other people. It makes them stronger. Our words are powerful. It can build someone up or it can break someone down, so weigh your words carefully because what we say can often hurt people.

A story is told of a woman who was at her twentieth high school reunion. This woman would not dance with her husband and her husband couldn’t understand why. She finally explained to her husband that when she was a little girl, she was dancing in front of a mirror when her Dad saw her and said, “Your mouth looks really funny when you dance.” She then said she has never danced since.

When I heard this story, I finally realized that I needed to weigh my words carefully because words can cause deep wounds. What we may say in a careless moment, can lodge into the heart of the person and never be forgotten. “Careless words stab like a sword, but the words of wise people bring healing.” (Prov. 12:18). There is power in words and our words shape lives so be an encourager to others; be a blessing!

So what do kids need?  Kids need a lot of things but recapping the lessons we learned today, they need counsel, correction and our compassion. In the next week, I encourage you to apply what you’ve learned here today and parent someone in your life – for if we live out these God given principles with the next generation, we’ll raise an army for Jesus. And by this, many will come to know the Lord!

Discussion Questions

1.      Is there anyone you need to say sorry to? A friend or relative you need to seek forgiveness from? What has prevented you from reconciling with them? How can you correct that?

2.      Is there a child/person around that you could parent and teach the 10 commandments to? How can you go about doing that?

3.      How could you make time for your children/friends to be a godly model?

4.      When was the last time you encouraged someone? How did your encouragement affect them?

5.      What message did you hear today? How has it impacted you and how will you become a better person because of it?

A great big “Mahalo” to volunteer writer Doreen Robaino who is using her time and talents to counsel, correct, and encourage people through the efforts of this Sermon Notes ministry.