Pastor Alex Pacheco
September 25, 2005 - W0539

People often say, “I just want to be happy”. And it’s normal to want to be happy in our relationships. Yet the fact remains that every relationship has its ups and downs. Even the best of relationships has difficult moments. That’s why I want to talk to you about something that is far better than happiness. It is joy. You may wonder, isn’t joy and happiness one in the same? What’s the difference? Let me give you the definition of joy:

“JOY” is the positive confidence that I feel from knowing and trusting God, regardless of circumstances. On the other hand, happiness depends on happening. It is something external while joy is internal and based on Christ Jesus. Then what is the secret of joy? Well before we answer that question, let’s take a look at the…

3 RELATIONAL KILLJOYS

Whenever we are having problems in a relationship, when the joy we once had is gone, it’s usually because of one or more of following. The first is…

·        Selfishness

Selfishness is saying we each want our own way which makes getting along very difficult. It even says so in the Bible: “Where do all the fights and quarrels among you come from? They come from your desires… which are constantly fighting within your bodies… You strongly desire things but, you cannot get them, so you quarrel and fight.” (Jas. 4:1-2 GN) The root of the problems in most relationships is actually a power struggle between selfish and insecure people. The good news is that there is a simple solution: just grow up! Stop being self-centered! Think of others more than of yourself. If you want to restore the joy in a relationship, simply focus on others.

“Wherever there is jealousy or selfish ambition, there will be disorder and every other kind of evil.” (Jas. 3:16 GN) Ultimately, this means we cannot be joyful and jealous at the same time.

Selfishness undermines relationships. The next issue that often causes problems in relationships is…

·        Resentment

It is a fact of life: we will be hurt. However, the key that will make a difference between being miserable or joyful is our response to hurt. “Watch out that no bitterness takes root among you, for as it springs up it causes deep trouble, hurting many in their spiritual lives.” (Heb. 12:15)

In other words, resentment eats up emotional energy. Oftentimes, we spend so much time resenting someone who hurt us that we have no energy left; we are empty on the inside. The fact is we are all human and imperfect beings. From time to time, we will mess up and hurt others even unintentionally. And the closer we get to people, the more chances we will be hurt. “The fool who provokes his family to anger and resentment will finally have nothing worthwhile left.” (Prov. 11:29 LB)

The point is nothing takes joy out of any relationship more than harboring resentment and unforgiveness. That’s why it’s important for us to let go of hurts by learning to forgive. Another killjoy that can enter into a relationship is…

·        Fear

Essentially, fear keeps us from trusting. And when fear builds up, joy just moves out. An anxious heart weighs a man down…” (Prov. 12:25)

Fear causes us to build walls between instead of bridges to reach one another. It causes us to isolate ourselves from others because we are too afraid of being hurt again. The result is we have no emotional intimacy and therefore, no joy.

“…fear always contains some of the torture of feeling guilty. The one who lives in fear has not yet had his love perfected.” (1 Jn. 4:18 PH) In essence, fearful people cannot give or receive love because they cling to their hurts. In fact fear does three things to relationships:

1.      Fear makes me defensive. We won’t admit when we are wrong.

2.      Fear makes me distant. We’re afraid to share our true feelings with one another.

3.      Fear makes me demanding. We must be in control.

So what can we do to overcome these fears? What is the secret to having joy in our relationships? The secret to having joy in our relationships is our perspective. The way we choose to view life – our relationships and circumstances will ultimately determine whether or not we are joyful or miserable. So let me ask you this question:

WHAT DO YOU FOCUS ON TO HAVE JOY IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS?

1.     FOCUS ON GIVING RATHER THAN RECEIVING.

Giving is LOVE! In fact, we cannot love without giving or give without loving. Basically, when we focus on giving in a relationship, we are most like God. “There is more happiness in giving than in receiving.” (Acts 20:35) Giving is the first key to enjoying your relationships because we’re focusing on someone else instead of ourselves. In fact, love is based on giving.

The sad truth is that the “what’s in it for me attitude” prevails in society. We are so caught up in getting what we feel we deserve that we forget about giving. Then we wonder why there are so many poor relationships today. It’s because our focus is on the wrong things.

“…Learn to put aside your own desires so that you will become patient and godly… This will make possible the next step, which is for you to enjoy other people and to like them, and finally you will grow to love them deeply.” (2 Pet. 1:6-7 LB) Notice what this verse is saying: we need to learn to put aside our own desires. That’s right! It doesn’t come naturally. We have to learn to focus on giving to others.

Many times after we’re in a relationship, we don’t put very much effort in maintaining them. For example, a goal-oriented male decides he wants to be married. He focuses on finding a suitable mate. He does everything in his power to win her over. But the moment he’s married, his goal is complete -- mission accomplished. He now he sets a new goal. Typically, this means his attention is focused on providing for his wife and family. So off to work he goes focused on his financial goal. Meanwhile, his wife is wondering what happened to the man who was so attentive during courtship. Now she hardly sees him because he’s so busy working. What happened? His focus shifted.

But all is not lost because here’s the secret: Joy comes from making other people happy. God designed it that way. Yet some of you may say I’m so exhausted when I get home from work, I don’t have anything left to give. That’s exactly why we need Jesus Christ. We can count on His love to give when human strength and energy runs out. So keep focused on giving. The next point to remember is to…

2.     FOCUS ON HEALING RATHER THAN HURTING.

It is human nature to hold on to our hurts instead of letting it go. It may be that someone said or did something to hurt us just once. Yet we rehearse that hurt over and over maybe over one hundred times. “Be gentle and ready to forgive; never hold grudges. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.” (Col. 3:13 LB) Certainly, there is no value in rehearsing our pain. So let go of grudges. 

“We can be full of joy here and now, even in our trials and troubles. These very things will give us patient endurance; this in turn will develop a mature character…”

(Rom. 5:3-4 PH) Life is a series of problems, but God asks us to be problem solvers. And we can have fullness of joy in the midst of our struggles because we know that God can use anything that happens in our lives for a positive purpose.

Remember joy is learned in tough times – the confidence of knowing and trusting God regardless of circumstances.  And the final point is to…

3.     FOCUS ON GOD’S POWER RATHER THAN YOUR PROBLEMS.

“Trust in God at all times…, pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge.” (Ps. 62:8 LB) Trust God and just tell Him how you feel. We can be assured that He cares and no matter how we feel, He will listen when we pour our hearts out to Him. God is in control and can repair the broken, give hope to the hopeless, and forgive the unforgivable. Focus on His power instead of your problems because He will bring a solution beyond what we think is humanly possible. And even if we may have caused our own trouble, God is always ready to forgive if we just come before Him and ask.

“Rejoice in the Lord always, again I will say rejoice!” (Phil. 4:4) When Paul wrote this letter, he was in prison about to be executed. Now how is it possible to rejoice in circumstances like that?

Why I can Be Joyful In Spite Of Circumstances

·        Because God is with me.

“When you pass through deep waters I will be with you; your troubles will not overwhelm you. When you pass through fire, you will not be burned; the hard trials that come will not hurt you. For I am the Lord your God…!” (Is. 43:2-3 GN)

God is here for us. The Bible says, In My presence is fullness of joy. Anytime we are not joyful, it is really a wakeup call that we are not spending time with God. It means we have forgotten that God is with us.

So we need constant reminders that let us know God is in control. On top of knowing God is with us, we can also rejoice …

·        Because God will help me.

[God] “I want you to trust Me in your times of trouble, so I can rescue you and you, can give Me glory.” (Ps. 50:14 LB) We can be confident that the moment we decide to let Jesus into our lives, He is with us and willing to help us. And the joy of His presence that can only come by inviting Him to come and dwell within us is definite.

What is the secret of joy? Well, we must first understand that joy is a confidence that comes from trusting and knowing God, regardless of circumstances. That’s why we must recognize things that will interfere with us enjoying a joy-filled life. These are selfishness, resentment, and fear. On top of that, be mindful that fear in a relationship often keeps us from admitting our mistakes, keeps us isolated from others, and demands to be in control and therefore makes us defensive, distant, and demanding. But we can overcome all these killjoys by the way we perceive life. We can instead focus on giving, healing, and God’s power to overcome any problem knowing without a doubt that God is always with us and willing to help in any situation.

Discussion Questions:

1. Do you consider yourself a joyful person? Why or why not?
2. How do you view your relationships?
3. Of the three killjoys listed, is there any or all that you are struggling with or have struggled with?
4. Who is the first person you run to when a problem comes up? Do you try to solve it on your own? Do you confide in a friend? Or do you run to God?
5. What lesson have you learned today that most impacted you and how will you apply it to your life this week?