Pastor Mark Olmos
July 31, 2005 - W0531

Ever been criticized? Of course, we all have. In fact, we are constantly observed and evaluated for the way we dress, speak, and behave. We are often judged by the quality of our work, the way we handle finances, and the way we raise our children. Certainly, no one wants to be criticized, but it is inevitable. An insightful author put it this way: “To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.”  In essence, the author is saying we can expect to be criticized unless we do, say, and be nothing.

Statistics show that 77% of our thoughts are negative, counterproductive, and works against us. We hear the word “no” 148,000 times by the time we are 18 which makes for unintentional negative programming. A survey revealed that mothers criticize their children 10 times more than they praise them. Still another survey found teachers often highlight student error more than student good work. And criticism can be either constructive or destructive. When it comes from the heart of someone who loves you, it is something that can build you up and help you to grow. On the other hand, criticism motivated by anything other than love can destroy someone.

That’s why we must determine how we will respond because if we are not careful it may cause us to stop doing, saying, or even being.  However, there is a way for us to handle criticism allowing God to help us grow from it. Here are five points that will help us to do that. The first is…

1.    I NEED TO DISABLE THE “HIT BACK” MECHANISM! 

It is so natural for us to snap back when someone criticizes us. We tend to take a defensive and sometimes hostile stance. On top of that we are willing to lie rather than admit there may be some truths in the criticism. However, the Bible shows us how we can prevent situations from getting out of hand: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Prov.15: 1) In other words, how we respond will determine if the situation escalates or defuses. It is like choosing between gasoline and water to douse a fire. No doubt, the challenge for us is to choose the gentle answer.

Some time ago when I was closing up the school of a church, a woman who was a teacher confronted me and rudely denounced our Christian beliefs.  I was tempted to say something in defense, but instead I quietly asked her if she would like to talk further about her beliefs. Her defenses quickly dropped and we actually had a cordial conversation and I was able to shepherd her along the way.

Indeed, it is difficult to control our emotions when criticized, but the Bible tells us just how to do that::“My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.” (James 1:19-20)  We need to really hear what the other person is saying – quick to listen. That means we must be slow to speak. Sure they may be critical at first, but once people feel they are being heard, it often disarms them to the point that enables both of you to talk about the issues surrounding the criticism. That’s why we as Christians need to develop a “spiritual pause”. It’s called walking in the Spirit. It’s when we recognize the Holy Spirit telling us to stop and control our tongue. Wait until our emotions have cooled and we are able to speak without harsh words. Then be slow to anger because anger does not achieve the righteous life that God wants.

Thus, the first thing we need to do in order to survive criticism is to listen and gently disarm anger. The next point we must learn is…   

2.      I NEED TO RECEIVE IT WITH A “COACHABLE” HEART. 

What is the key to having a coachable heart? The Bible says: “He whose ear listens to the life-giving reproof will dwell among the wise.” (Prov. 15:31)  “Poverty and shame will come to him who neglects discipline, but he who regards reproof will be honored.” (Prov. 13:18) In other words, we have to love God so much and have a passion to being all God intended us to be that it overrides the pride we have in our hearts. That means our attitudes must be such that our hearts are open to receiving criticism from people who point out areas in our lives that need correction. And a coachable heart is able to accept that kind of constructive criticism. The important thing is that we change.   

In fact, the telltale sign to know we have a coachable heart is if we are willing to receive criticism even from our enemies. That’s right! One of my professors at seminary said, “Always look for the nugget of truth even from the criticism of someone who doesn’t like you”. We must stop and look at what is it in us that may be giving an impression for others to view us in that way.

So the first step to responding to criticism is to disable the tendency to strike back. The second is to have a coachable heart that is open to receive lessons even from our enemies. The third point we can learn is…

3.      I NEED TO INVITE FEEDBACK FROM THE WISE. 

“Like an earring of gold and an ornament of fine gold is a wise reprover to a listening ear.” (Prov.25: 12) “It is better to listen to the rebuke of a wise man than for one to listen to the song of fools.” (Eccl. 7:5)

Yes there are people in life who are like fools and will often be critical of us. The point to remember is if we listen to every bit of criticism that comes from a foolish person, we’ll begin to feel insecure. That’s why we need to surround ourselves with wise reprovers, those who will speak God’s truth to us. We give them permission to speak to us about anything they see in our lives that need correction. The caution here is to find people who will truthfully say what we need to hear and not people who validate our weaknesses.

So in addition to disarming anger and  being coachable, we need coaches who will give us wise counsel and speak God’s truth in our lives. The next point we can apply is…

4.    I NEED TO STAND ON GOD’S TRUTH WHEN ATTACKED WRONGLY.

David did just that. When King Saul grew jealous of David and tried to murder him, David did not retaliate even though he had a few opportunities to kill King Saul. Instead, David relied on the Lord and said, “May the Lord judge which of us is right and punish the guilty one. He is my advocate, and He will rescue from your power!” (1 Sam. 24:1) David depended totally on God to resolve the situation. He waited on God’s timing. Sometimes we are wrongly criticized because we are standing for God. In those times when we know we are standing with God and someone is coming after us, all we have to do is let God defend us.

I myself have been criticized for extending grace to people when others would not.  But I knew that standing with God on a particular issue was right.

Remember, even if no one agrees with you, you are in the majority when you stand with God. Trust Him and don’t back down because God will protect you -- May the Lord judge which of us is right and punish the guilty one. However, keep in mind that this is not only a once in while attitude …

5.      I NEED TO POSTURE MY HEART AS A LIFE-LONG LEARNER BEFORE GOD. 

Being a life-long learner prepares us for criticism at any time because we have no warning when it strikes. “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends You, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.” (Ps. 139:23-24) This is a wonderful attitude because we can come before God daily and ask Him to do a deep scan of our lives and reveal those areas that need cleaning up. And then do it!

Here is another scripture that can help us be life-long learners before God: “All scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It straightens us out and teaches us to do what is right. It is God’s way of preparing us in every way fully equipped for every good thing God wants us to do.” (2Tim. 3:16-17) The more we immerse ourselves in God’s word the more we begin to automatically hear God’s voice in everything we do.

For example, when I pitched for the University of Hawaii, it was difficult to concentrate on pitching when there was a lot of yelling and cheering on both sides.   There was the opposing fans screaming insults at me as well as was the well-intentioned local fans yelling baseball tips from the sidelines. In spite of all the distraction and noise, I could still hear one voice above the clamor. I heard my dad’s voice calmly coaching me through those pressured moments. The reason I was able to hear his voice was because I was familiar with it. As a young boy, he would coach me daily in the game of baseball.

It is the same way with God. Come before Him daily and ask Him to search your hearts and correct you need correction. Then you will be able to discern His voice amid the criticisms because His voice is familiar to you. And in doing so, we’ll remember not to hit back, to come before God with a coachable heart, seeking wise counsel, standing for God when we know we’re standing on truth, and become life-long learners. And when we follow these guidelines, our Father is able to take criticisms to build us up. Then we begin to look a little more like Jesus every day. 

Study Questions

1.      How do you respond to criticism and disable the “hit back” mechanism when you feel the other person deserves to be hit?

2.      Do you have a life coach? How did you choose him or her and how did you know that person was wise?

3.      Like David, we may find ourselves wrongly accused and even feel justified to retaliate. However, what does God’s word say about revenge? Have you ever been tested in that area? How did you respond and what was the outcome?

4.      Looking back on past experiences, can you recall times you’ve found the “nugget of truth” even in a harsh criticism?

5.      Can you  remember  times when you’ve been quick to speak only to make a situation worse. What have you learned today that will help you in similar encounters down the road?

6.      What most impacted you about today’s lesson and why? How will you be changed because of it?

Mahalo Nui Loa to Leighton Loo, our consistent and faithful volunteer writer who indeed has a coachable heart!