Pastor Elwin Ahu
July 3, 2005 - W0527

“Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good for man to be alone’…” (Gen.2:18). From the very beginning God intended people to have relationships. Yet, sometimes it can be challenging. In fact, we’d rather take the path of least resistance rather than deal with uncomfortable or painful issues that are inevitable in all relationships. Sadly, we sometimes consider leaving our jobs, getting a divorce, or ending friendships as a solution. However, we can choose instead to resolve conflicts quickly that arise in relationships and save rather than abandon our friendships.

“At my first defense no one supported me, but all deserted me; may it not be counted against them. But the Lord stood with me, and strengthened me, in order that through me the proclamation might be fully accomplished…” (2Tim. 4:16-17) Undoubtedly, Paul must have felt disappointed and hurt when everyone deserted him. Yet he was able to forgive because he had a confidence beyond himself and others. And as followers of Jesus Christ, we must learn to do the same. So here are three gems to help us overcome relationship issues. The first is…

1.    TOSS OUT THE SCORE CARD.

Many times when we get in an argument with someone we’ll pull out our scorecard. We’ll recall past mistakes, list sacrifices made, or count all the things we’ve done for another. However, God reminds us: “Blessed is the man whose sin the Lord will never count against him.” (Rom. 4:8) God does not hold a scorecard to our past.

The other day while having breakfast with my wife Joy, I asked her (on top of everything else she was busy with) to please slice me a piece of watermelon. However, she responded with a very bothered sigh! Immediately my response was to remind her who cooked dinner and washed the dishes the night before. Now, here I was in the midst of preparing for this week’s message and realized what a hypocrite I was. How was I to teach about throwing away scorecards when mine was in my back pocket?

The fact is that many of us respond this way, but the danger of keeping score is insecurities begin to surface. And keeping score just covers over issues of the heart that we tend ignore and never deal with. Score keeping is often motivated by a wrong response. It could be because we’re angry, we want retribution, or even revenge. The problem with this is we become focused on the other person’s fault and we fail to see the very things in our lives that contribute to the conflict.

·        IT’S NOT WHO’S RIGHT THAT MATTERS MOST TO GOD; IT’S OUR RESPONSE.

Dale Carnegie puts it this way. “When we hate our enemies we give them power over us -- power over our sleep, our appetites, and our happiness. They would dance with joy if they knew how much they were worrying us. Our hate is not hurting them at all. But it’s turning our days and nights into a hellish turmoil”.

Isn’t it true! We hold on to a resentment that really hurts us instead of the ones we were hurt by. So before counting the score against someone, the Word of God says to look at ourselves first. “And why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and behold, the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” (Matt. 7:3-5)

The log in our eye is the fact that we’re unwilling to confess we’re not perfect yet expect others to be. Maybe we’re unwilling to extend forgiveness or have not opened our hearts to receive forgiveness. And if we continue to cling to emotional issues and refuse to forgive, we’ll harbor anger, bitterness, and resentment in our hearts that will eventually surface one day.

Corey Tenboom gives us an example on forgiveness. She was a prisoner in a Nazi concentration camp when she was arrested with her family for hiding Jewish people during WWII. She was beaten, tortured, and suffered. When the war was over, she spoke about forgiveness at a church service. After her talk, a man approached her from the back of the room and identified himself as one of the Nazi guards from the concentration camp. After hearing Corey’s speech, he asked for forgiveness. Although it was tough for her to extend forgiveness, she eventually did.

Years later and in her 70’s, Corey experienced a hurtful situation with some Christian friends. Although she felt she’d forgiven these friends, she found herself waking at night rehashing the same issue over and over until one night Corey cried out to the Father. It was then that she learned another lesson on forgiveness. It wasn’t enough to say ‘I forgive you’, but to live it out. And that meant to bury those issues once and for all in the depth of the sea.

Then one day a friend came to visit Corey who was now in her 80’s. She was reminded of those friends who once caused her so much hurt. But Corey declared to her friend that all was forgiven. The friend told her, “That’s good for you, but what about them? From what I heard, they didn’t see anything wrong with what they did”. Corey then jumped from her chair, ran to her desk where she’d kept her papers. She began pulling out letters she saved -- all their letters (in black and white) that proved they were wrong and she was right. It was then that this friend looked at Corey and said, “Aren’t you the one whose sins are at the bottom of the sea? Then why are your friends’ sins still in black and white?”

Corey then wrote, “For an astonishing moment, I could not find my voice. Lord Jesus I whisper at last who takes all my sins away, forgive me for preserving all these years the evidence against others. Give me grace to burn all the blacks and whites as a sweet smelling sacrifice to your glory.” She did not go to sleep that night until she pulled out letters now curling with age and fed them into the coal-burning stove. As the flames leaped and glowed, so did her heart.

Sometimes, we can be keeping scorecards and not even know it. We keep it in our back pockets, in our desk, and in our hearts. Paul’s lesson for us is to toss away the scorecard. It starts with forgiveness. The Lord forgives us for our past and we too should extend forgiveness to others as well.

Then by doing so, we are able to see through the eyes of God and love others as He loves us. We can move on from a relationship with confidence because we’ve resolved issues instead of covered them up. Remember that we are imperfect beings and people will disappoint us from time to time. That’s why…

2.    FIND YOUR CONFIDENCE IN THE LORD.

This was Paul’s confidence regardless of circumstances around him. Paul wrote, the Lord stood with me and strengthened me. His strength came from God -- not from others and not from himself. “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, nor will the flame burn you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel…” (Is.43:2-3)

Notice, the scripture says when, not if! Christians are not immune from broken relationships. Often we expect our friendships or spouse to stand with us through even the toughest of times. Yet sometimes it just doesn’t work out that way and we find our relationship falling apart and suddenly lost. The aftermath is we become unsure and insecure and tend to shy away from relationships for fear of being hurt again. The fact is that we’ve placed our trust in a person or thing and we cannot enjoy the fruitfulness or the wonderful relationship God wants us to have. But no matter what we must struggle through or are called to endure, remember God will be with us. We can rely on His strength and power in all circumstances.

“He gives strength to the weary, and to him who lacks might He increases power. Though youths grow weary and tired, and vigorous young men stumble badly, yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles…run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary.” (Is. 40:29-31) In other words, we must wait on the Lord. This will help us to move on in life regardless of broken relationships.

So the first step is to toss out the scorecards and forgive others. Remember, God is more concerned with our response to conflicts than who’s right or wrong because we can always find our confidence in the Lord. And finally…

3.    KEEP YOUR EYES FOCUSED ON THE VALUE OF THE GOSPEL.

Paul’s whole mission was to bring the good news to the Gentiles. Circumstances didn’t matter to him, including relationships that failed. In fact, Paul wrote, “But the Lord stood with me and gave me strength, that I might preach the Good News in all it’s fullness for all the Gentiles to hear.” (2Tim. 4:17 NLT) For Paul to fulfill his mission, he needed to be a delivery system to the Gentiles. He knew that any anger or resentment he had towards others would have hindered or contaminated him as a messenger of the Good News.  

The same is true for us. Like Paul, our assignment is to carry the Good News of the gospel to others. And how will we do that if we react to circumstances in such a way that will disqualify us as God’s messengers? Our response is critical. Understand that no matter what we’ve been through, God chose us in our frail and broken nature in order that people will see His power working through us. People will know that it is the only way we could have survived even the most devastating of situations and that will be our testimony!

Others will see our testimony as though they’re reading the Bible. They’ll see that despite the circumstances, we’re still rejoicing in the Lord. “But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the surpassing greatness of the power may be of God and not from ourselves.” (2Cor. 4:7) Paul did whatever he could bring the Gospel to everyone. He kept himself from reacting in ways that would disqualify him as he valued and treasured the Gospel.

And we must do the same. The message God entrusts us to bring to the world is that important. So we cannot react to situations and risk disqualifying ourselves as God’s messengers. Instead, respond by offering forgiveness and don’t keep score and count others’ past mistakes against them because God doesn’t. Remember what’s right is more important that who’s right. Place your trust in God because He will never fail you. Finally, keep your eyes focused on the value of the Gospel and let your lives be a reflection of His love to the world because that’s our assignment.

Discussion Questions:

1.      In your relationships with family and friends, are you hanging on to any scorecards for them? What are the underlining insecurities for holding these scorecards with them?

2.      Is there any issue that keeps bothering you even though you believe it’s forgiven and forgotten?

3.      Is there someone the Lord is bringing to your attention to forgive?

4.      List scriptures that can help you focus on the gospel instead of circumstances around you?

5.      What is your testimony on a broken relationship?

6.      How will I apply what I’ve learned today to my life this week?

Many thanks to volunteer writer, Doreen Rabaino – a woman who truly rejoices in the Lord in all circumstances. Good job!