Pastor Mark Olmos
June 20, 2004 - W0425

In the book, Tender Warrior the author writes about the impact her dad had on her life.

She remembers him working hard to provide for his family often traveling 150 miles to find work. She didn’t know him very well and yearned for his attention, his affection, and his acceptance. However, he was often too busy or seemed uninterested in her or her activities. Still at age 37 feeling unaccepted and unloved, she was compelled by a deep craving to somehow gain acceptance from her dad. She goes on to say that she is thankful God began a process of healing, but the wounds were really deep and she feared the effects of the scarring would remain with her while she was on this earth.

Wow, the impact of a father’s love or lack thereof is so powerful. The good news is this: God gives great instructions to dads in the Bible on how to bear that power of fatherhood.

So this Father’s Day we’re going to take a look at a verse that shows us three things that we need to be doing as fathers: “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” (Eph. 6:4)

GOD’S INSTRUCTIONS ON FATHERHOOD!

1.      I NEED TO BE A TRUSTWORTHY LEADER FOR MY KIDS!

“Fathers, do not exasperate your children…” (Eph. 6:4)

Notice how that instruction starts with a warning for dads. The word: exasperate means to embitter or to make really angry, to bring one along to a deep-seeded anger or a state of perpetual resentment.

How do we do that, fathers? How is it that we sometimes exasperate our children? God gives us authority of our home; therefore we must be wise in that responsibility. We cannot wield our authority unfairly, inconsistently, harshly, or selfishly. Otherwise, our children will be deeply affected.

“Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” (Col. 3:21) Another translation says they will lose heart. The twinkle you see in a child’s eye, the spring in their step disappears if they are led poorly. Yet how do we become a trusted leader in our home and family?

Let me give you one guideline. You need to ask yourself a simple question that all good leaders ask: How can I bring the best out in my family? That’s what every great coach, leader, or boss asks. How can I bring out the best in the people God’s given me to lead? When we ask and operate out of that mindset, our children and family will understand that we are absolutely committed to their success. They will find their position in life and know we will help them fly. They also know we will not abandon them when they fail. We must let them know we’re on their side and are interested in their lives.

One of the things I do for my kids is to look ahead for them. When I’m driving, I’ll often explain certain things they need to be careful for when they begin to drive. And though I’m not actually teaching them to drive, I’m casting a vision for when they do. I’m communicating to them that I will help and support them to gain that responsibility and privilege one day. So I’m always looking ahead for them.

Another thing I pray for is for their future spouses. When I put them to bed I pray for the little child going to bed somewhere in this world who will someday marry one of my children. I pray that God will help him or her to love God with all their hearts and help their gifts and abilities to continue to develop so they will be a perfect compliment for my son or daughter. And finally I ask the Lord to bring them together at the right time protecting them until then. My children know I’m praying, leading, and casting a vision for them.

So the first point in God’s instruction for fatherhood is that we be trustworthy leaders for our children. The next is…

2.      I NEED TO PROACTIVELY NURTURE MY KIDS.

“…instead, bring them up…” (Eph. 6:4) We need to provide tender care or nourishment. It’s something we naturally think will be attributed to mothers, but here the Bible attributes it to fathers. Children are to be treated with tenderness, to be fondly cherished, and to be loved. It is intentional that we bring them up or raise our kids.

Keep in mind that if we don’t take an active role in raising our kids, someone or something else will. Just watch MTV for an hour and tell me if you like what your kids may become. Fathers, we need to have a tender loving nurturing approach to children. Don’t leave this to mom. Yes, that means girls need healthy, pure, masculine affection from their fathers. They need to be hugged, held, and kissed. And that goes for sons, they too need to be hugged, held, and kissed in a pure way. And if we fail to do that, it sets them up for sexual dysfunction later in life. They need to know they are loved by mom and dad and that we love them unconditionally and not because of the way they perform. In other words, we just love them because God has given them to us.

I remember that it scared me as I got my son involved in baseball. It was because I played the game and was really serious about it. So I knew that I needed to be careful because he could begin to measure my love for him by his performance on the field. I’ve seen it happen with guys whose fathers wanted them to play. All a son wants is his father’s approval. So if we place too much emphasis on their ability, kids begin to equate their performance with our love for them

.

That’s why I let my son know that no matter how he performed my love was unconditional. Fathers when you communicate this to your children, it builds a bridge in your relationship. Remember that with authority you can control somebody. On the other hand, if you want to change someone it takes relationship. So love them, hug them, talk to them, and spend time with them when they are young. It builds a bridge between you and your child that hopefully will stay up even throughout the difficult times especially during the teen years.

Sure you may have some battles on the bridge, but the bridge is still up. And most of the time they will come to you when they need wisdom the most. Finally the third instruction God teaches fathers is that…

3.      I NEED TO BE A SPIRITUAL LIFE COACH FOR MY KIDS.

“…in the training and instruction of the Lord.” (Eph. 6:4) Sometimes people think that kids are like blank diskettes with no data on them. It’s not true. They are preprogrammed. Just notice how we don’t have to teach kids how to be selfish, to lie, or to be stubborn. It comes built in. David said this: in sin my mother conceived me. So when children are born, they are already born with a broken relationship with God and it shows up in their actions.

The way the Bible puts it is, foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child and discipline will remove it far from them. Fathers, that means we must train our children. We need to provide discipline and outward control. Yes it requires setting boundaries for our children at home: the kind of language they are allowed to use, how they treat each other, their respect for property, chores, homework, entertainment, and self-control. We have to intentionally develop a training system that will help our children grow up. On top of that, we have to hold them accountable so that when they cross boundaries they have consequences.

“Discipline your children while there is hope. If you don’t, you will ruin their lives.” (Prov. 19:18) NLT) We will ruin their lives if we don’t discipline them because children don’t have everything in their heart necessary to become responsible and mature adults. It’s important to train them. Whether it’s spanking, timeouts, or removal of privileges, there must be consequences for crossing boundaries. Now I’m not talking about abuse. It’s important to draw a distinction between that.  However, disciplining our children in love and not punishing them in anger is essential to their growth. It’s also important that while they are small we teach them self-control and consequences for their actions. Lavish your children with tender love and they will receive discipline and grow from it. However, if you are harsh leader and neglect loving your kids and only talk to them when you yell at them or punish them in anger, it will crush and harden their hearts towards you. Then someday when they really need your wisdom, they won’t come to you for answers.

Bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. In other words, bring them up to lead righteous lives. How do we do all this? The first step is to establish a source of truth. I suggest the Bible. Get a Bible and teach your children the bible stories when they are young. As a result, they will live with integrity, compassion, and respect for the people around them. On top of that, being authentic in our own faith and living it out in real ways, our children naturally learn the same things. They’ll watch how we talk to mom. They’ll watch how we handle our free time and notice what we watch on TV. One of the best things our children can observe is when we are on our knees praying or reading the Bible and journaling at the kitchen table. That example will speak to them louder than words. That’s because the best lessons are caught, not taught.

So to help you with being a spiritual life coach for your children, here are five quick COACHING ESSENTIALS:

Ø      Listen to your kids.

Let your kids talk. When you listen to kids, it makes them feel that you really care. Besides you can’t coach somebody you don’t know.

Ø      Shepherd your child’s heart.

Sometimes we reduce parenting to a bunch of skills…we place so much emphasis on skill rather than heart. However, every coach knows it’s not enough to have a skilled player. A player must have heart. The attitude a player brings to the team and to the game is vital. “Above all else, guard your heart, for it affects everything you do.” (Prov. 4:23 NLT) So watch your child’s attitude; watch how they dress and how they think. Part of our job is to shepherd them through those heart changes and find out why they are becoming who they are.

Ø      Model growth not perfection.

Sometimes we like to come across like we are never wrong. That’s a big mistake because our children know we’re not perfect. That’s why when we don’t acknowledge our failings and try to keep that perfect image up, we essentially show our children how to be phony. On the other hand, when we are honest and able to say we’re sorry from time to time, they see we are authentic and real, thus we model growth, not perfection.

Ø      Connect them to their Heavenly Father.

I knew the day would come when my kisses wouldn’t heal all my children’s hurts. I wouldn’t be able to protect them all the time. Yet I know the Heavenly Father could because God’s power is unlimited. We can’t be with them in some of their tightest spots, but God can be with them everywhere. I can’t save their souls, but God can. And when God is in their lives, He takes their souls to Heaven and guards it there. There are so many things we can’t do for our kids so the best thing we can do for them is to connect them to their Heavenly Father.

Ø      Learn to hear your Father’s voice for moment by moment wisdom!

“Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.” (Ps. 119:105)

We need God’s word to guide us. It is so vital that we have a strong relationship with our Heavenly Father. Then when we stare into the face of a little child at a crossroads who needs a decision or a wife who needs ministering to, we can hear God’s voice. We will be able to follow His direction and make good choices.

Remember that we are leading our family. We owe it to our family to get up every single day to spend time with our Heavenly Father. That way we become familiar with His voice. It becomes very distinct to us. And when all of life is pulling at us, we will hear our Father’s voice cut through the clutter. We will hear Him tell us exactly what we need to do. His word penetrate will our heart and instruct us on how to be a great father.

Discussion Questions:

1. What kind of a leader would you say your father is or was to you and how has it influenced the way you father your own children today?
2. In what ways are you actively involved with your children’s lives? Do you find it difficult or easy to nurture and love your children? Why or why not?
3. If you have young children, how are you building a bridge between you? If you have older children, how has that effort helped your relationship endure the battles on the bridge?
4. How are you training your children? When your children cross boundaries you’ve set, are you consistent with keeping them accountable or do you tend to cut them slack? How has that helped or hindered their growth?
5. What most impacted you about today’s lesson? What are two things you can do this week to apply what you’ve learned?

If you are interested in being a part of this awesome ministry, please contact Dawn O’Brien at dawn@enewhope.org or Rhonda Pang at rcpang@hotmail.com for more information.