Pastor Wayne Cordeiro
September 28, 2003 - W0339

The title of this sermon is somewhat misleading: ìWhen Your Marriage Is Sinkingî because more often than not, it is not a ìsinking marriageî that we see. Rather the surfacing of character flaws that were once submerged that start to overshadow the marriage. Things like submerged anger, stubbornness, selfishness, a straying heart, unfaithful tendencies, lying, or negligence. 

Oftentimes these flaws are hard to face and our tendency is to bail out. However, the Bible says: ìLift up your tired hands and strengthen your trembling knees. Keep walking on straight paths so that the lame foot may not be disabled, but instead be healed. Try to be at peace with everyone, and try to live a holy lifeÖî (Hebrews 12: 12-14).

God wants to restore and heal a marriage that seems to be sinking. And the greatest miracle of all is that the marriage is healed. So to do that, we must recognize the faults that have surfaced, deal with those faults, and not lose the marriage in the meantime.

Idealistically, we want all marriages to be masterpieces, but realistically, not all of them are. Divorce happens. In fact, some marriages are not salvageable. Yet even though a marriage may not survive, we must. Ideally, we want to recognize flaws in our marriages and deal with those faults in order to save the relationship. Yet even if that is not possible, we must not ignore problems for in resolving these matters, we end up being better people of faith.  We must address the flaws because if we donít, the flaws will just resurface again.

So in order to help us to recognize faults that may arise in a marriage or a relationship, here are three guidelines to follow. The first isÖ

1.      PREPARE WELL IN ADVANCE.

ìAny enterprise is built by wise planning, becomes strong through common sense, and profits wonderfully by keeping abreast of the factsî (Proverbs 24:3-4).

And one thing to think about is: ìDo not be yoked together with unbelieversÖî (2 Cor. 6:14) When you get married, make sure that you are not unequally yoked. In other words, sometimes you overlook things that are major foundational problems. You get so emotionally involved and cannot separate the holy from the profane. Thatís why I tell people the framework for sex or intimacy is marriage, not falling in love. When you are emotionally involved, you wonít be able to see huge foundational cracks. On the other hand, when you see that it is the Lordís will, that intimacy bonds you together. And you must make sure you are on the same page in order to share the deepest parts of your lives.

If one person does it Godís way and the other just does it their way, youíll end up on different pages. For example, if youíre building a house and two of you are starting to build from opposite ends of the property and are working off a different set of plans, youíre headed for trouble. If this is the case, it doesnít matter how sincere you build. It doesnít matter how good of a builder you are.  It wonít matter how much time, money, or resources you put into building this house. Then when you meet in the middle, there will be a huge fault line because youíre building from different sets of blueprints.

And like a house, when there is an earthquake in the marriage, itíll crack right along that fault line. So make sure you are reading from the same map, especially when it comes to your faith. Another point that is important is toÖ

?        TREASURE YOUR MARRIAGE.

I have an old Martin guitar. I love this guitar. Itís about 40 years old. I have it in my office and I play it. I really treasure that guitar because itís also a historical piece and I love the sound. It got messed up in the sun and I took it into a repair shop and they fixed it. It didnít matter what it cost, I fixed it because I want to have and keep this guitar until I die. I treasure that guitar and Iím just not ever going to sell it. 

The same is true for our marriages. Itís going to need repair from time-to-time. Itís going to have problems. But if you cherish that marriage and say it doesnít matter what it costs, it doesnít matter what it takes, youíll be surprised how miracles will take place. And then God will bring healing because you treasured your marriage.

Marriage is a high maintenance because itís alive. Just like a plant, if you want something live and growing, youíre going to have to maintain it. In fact, if it stops requiring anything from you and it doesnít cost you anything, itís plastic. Then itís probably dead!

Men, it starts with us. We set the tone and give value to our wives. Marriage counselors say that most wives take their value off of their husbands. And if a husband does not give his wife value, she feels valueless. Therefore, if a husband does value his wife, she feels valuable. That brings us to the next pointÖ

?        THE PRINCIPLE OF THE FULCRUM.

Sometimes we want everything smooth and trouble free. We donít want to deal with any problems. We even think that if there are no problems from our kids or spouse, then everybodyís fine. And we call that a balanced life. But thatís not how life is. Life is not a static line. Youíre going to have struggles with your marriage, your children, and your job. And youíre going to have to go into the repair shop sometimes. Thatís life. Now when our definition of a balanced life isÖ "Donít give me trouble!" and we get so mad at our kids and our spouses, that anger becomes a reaction. And in turn, we cannot handle it. Worse still is when we donít even acknowledge it.

So how do we keep a balanced life with things changing all the time? Imagine a long stick that is balanced on a point (a fulcrum). As long as everything stays static or still, youíre fine. However, there will be times when your kids are in trouble, or your spouse doesnít feel valuable, or your job requires more attention. In these cases, itís like God putting his finger on the stick to point out a situation that needs your attention. If you donít know how to react to it or you choose to ignore it altogether, the stick that represents your life may topple over.

On the other hand, if instead we move the fulcrum towards what God is pointing to, we can maintain the balance. God will always tell us in advance when thereís a battle building somewhere. So if we follow the leading of the Holy Spirit and move our hearts to where God is, weíll be able to maintain our balance. If we donít, we often move away from where God is leading and the result is that things collapse.

Therefore, if you understand the principle of the fulcrum, youíll live a wonderfully balanced life and youíll move by the leading of the Holy Spirit. And God will be faithful to show you situations that are forming that need your attention. So treasure your marriage and learn the principle of the fulcrum. If you do, youíll understand how a marriage can be based on strong foundations in spite of the challenges. Of course that doesnít guarantee that there wonít be storms but when the storms comeÖ

2.  STAY COMMITTED TO WHAT WILL NEVER CHANGE.

ìSo God has given us both his promise and his oath. These two things are unchangeable.  Therefore, we who have fled to him for refuge can take new courage. For we can hold onto his promise with confidence.  This confidence is like a strong and trustworthy anchor for our soulsî (Hebrews 6:18-19).

God is saying that our faith must not fail. In Luke 22, Jesus said to Peter, ìSatan has demanded to sift you like wheat but I have prayed for you that your faith not fail.î  We must stay committed to that which does not change. And even though Satan might want to sift us like wheat, remember that the Lord is praying for us. Sometimes marriages might not survive but we will if we keep our faith. It takes two to tango and we canít dictate what the other person will do. However, we can dictate what our hearts will do.  Then even in the midst of everything whirling around, God will be able to lead you.

And God is so good that He give us a few hints of what to do when everything is flying around. ìConfess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that you may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man avails muchî (James 15:10).  In other wordsÖ

?        RESTORE AND MAINTAIN GOOD RELATIONSHIPS.

God wants us to confess our faults in order to restore and maintain our relationships.

If thereís a struggle in my family and I lose my relationship with my wife, it does not matter whoís right or wrong. If thereís a basic distrust, nothing you do will be right. You become unpleasable in the marriage. On the other hand, if youíre still friends, you can work on the problem because your relationship isnít determined by whether you solve and problem or not. Your marriage is much more treasured than this one issue.

So please note: Never make decisions when youíre discouraged or frustrated in marriage. Oftentimes, we make decisions at the wrong time and it causes us to make poor choices.  Itís best to just step back and rest before making any decisions andÖ

?        PRAY LIKE CRAZY. (Earnestly and often)!

Pray for your marriage. Pray to find out what you are doing wrong that is contributing to a problem. God will show you flaws in advance. So you should start to pray about those things immediately and not later when it may be too late.

We often pray about the faults of the other person, but we should pray ìdog poopî prayers. (You knowÖwhen you walk around and you start to smell something bad so you check the undersides of your feetÖ)  Pray prayers such as, ìLord, examine MY heart,î because oftentimes the problem is with us. Are you being negligent or slothful in your behavior? Are you nagging or not taking care of the house? Youíll be surprised at how God will show you that often itís you. 

Many times we think itís the other person who has the fault and we canít figure out why they donít understand us, but the problem may not be with them.  So check your shoes! And finallyÖ

3.  SEEK AND SUBMIT TO GODLY COUNSEL.

This is something we need to plan for well in advance. We should have an agreement with our spouse that if anything goes wrong in our marriage, we agree to seek and submit to Godly counsel.  If we donít plan this in advance, when things go bad, pride usually sets in and one or both of you refuse to seek any counseling. Not only should we seek counsel, but also we must submit to counsel. ìThe way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man is he who listens to counselî (Proverbs 12:15).

ìListen to counsel and accept discipline, that you may be wise the rest of your daysî (Proverbs 19:20). You must not only listen, but also apply it to your life or situation. Get it out of your head and into your hands! You need to accept discipline to apply the counsel to your life and become wise. Otherwise, you will be foolish the rest of your days. When your marriage is sinking, you must seek and submit to Godly counsel because it is when youíre emotionally involved that you often need someone else to step in thatís not so sensitive to the situation. 

And then when youíre listening and youíre asking God to help you with disciplineÖ

?        REPENT QUICKLY.

That will be one of the signs that youíre learning to accept the discipline necessary to be wise the rest of your days. ìThis bookÖ. shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it, for then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have successî (Joshua 1:8).

When the Word speaks about repenting, it means to change your mind. When you read Godís word and it says something, change your mind. It doesnít have to be a big deal, but if you wrestle with that or fight against itÖ.e.g. ìWhatís the problem with that?  I donít see anything wrong with what Iím doing.î Thatís not repenting.

When you repent quickly, your mind starts to change. Then, when the Holy Spirit speaks, you move with him because you have the mind of Christ. Of course there are times when a marriage is not going to survive. So in order for you to surviveÖ

?        FIND YOUR ANCHOR IN CHRIST.

ìBut they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faintî (Isaiah 40:31).

When you wait upon your spouse to change or an expectation to be realized, itíll zap your strength. However, when you wait upon the Lord, He renews your strength. Therefore, when you find your anchor in Him, you will find that regardless of what takes place in the marriage, youíll be okay. And you will still have a Godly influence. You will still be someone of integrity that God can use in mighty ways because you saw your faults and resolved them. Then youíre wiser. Sometimes we donít resolve our faults until itís too late. Yet even though it may not be early enough to save the marriage, you still have time to change our heart. Your children will be will be positively influenced by the Godly choices you make

Ultimately, God wants to heal and restore our marriages. Sadly, the reality is that sometimes it cannot be salvaged. However, if we follow these three principles: (1) Prepare in advance before getting married. That way we will recognize problems before they arise. (2) Once married, treasure that relationship and understand the principle of the fulcrum. That way, you will be able to maintain a balanced life. (3) And finally, be willing to seek and submit to Godly counsel. We need to follow through with Godís advice. And if we keep our heart anchored in Christ, when we come through it all, God will say, ìI can use you still. You will be a Godly influence. You are wiser now and I will give you a new beginning.î

Discussion Topics

?        Whatís under my shoes?  What are some of my character flaws?

?        What am I doing to maintain a good relationship?

?        What can I do to improve my relationships?

?        Do we have an agreement to seek and submit to Godly counsel if 

          needed?

?        Am I truly anchored in Christ?

?        How do I demonstrate to my children that I am a man/woman of God

          in spite of my circumstance or situation?

Mahalo to Jaylene Tsukayama, a woman committed to serving. Great job!