Pastor Elwin Ahu
July 7, 2002 - W0227

In our final message in this series, ìLifeís One Anotherís,î weíre focusing on a really hot topic. Literally! Weíre talking about our home firesóhow to stoke them and keep them strong, as well as how to keep them from blazing out of control and becoming home infernos. That happens when sibling rivalries take placeÖ or when parents get into contests with their own childrenÖ or when children challenge their parents. If we donít address these issues correctly, they ignite into a flame that will turn into a raging forest fire and decimate our homes.

What weíre left with is a family branded by the word, ìdysfunction.î More and more modern-day families are meriting this label. But itís not a modern concept. Did you know that dysfunctional families existed in the Bible? Sure. The very first murder happened at the hands of Cain against his own brother Abel. Abraham, the father of faith, had an illegitimate son with a woman who was not his wife and kicked both of them out. Rebekah tricked her husband Isaac into blessing her own favorite son. That list can go on and on.

Question 1: When you hear the term ìhome infernos,î what comes to mind? Is there a particular situation or relationship in your own life that flashes to the surface?

Dysfunctional has become a common term in our modern society. What does it really mean? The dictionary defines ëdysfunctionalí as: ìfailing to perform a function normally expected.î Thatís pretty good but then I thought about it: What does it really mean to be ìnormally expectedî? Who defines what is normal?

I donít know about you but I want my belief based on truth. Godís Word is infallible truth and it says that God joined man and woman together to become a family. The family is His divine creation. And His Word says, ìWhat God has joined together, let no man separateî (Mk. 10:9). Family is a community committed to reflect the image of God Himself.

Question 2: What is your definition of ìfamilyî? Do you agree that it is ìa community committed to reflect the image of Godî? How would you add to this or change it?

Our God is a family God. How do I know that? Look at the way He refers to Himself: He is our heavenly Father. And He sent His only begotten Son to live with us. And even His Son came through an earthly family, with brothers and sisters. Also, we are known as Godís children.

When we understand that it is by His design that the family is created, only then can we determine the definition of a home or a dysfunctional home. In that light, a Christian definition of ëdysfunctional homeí now becomes ìa family that has distanced itself from functioning the way God designed it to function.î

When we grab a hold of this principle, we begin to understand that to honor one another in our families has less to do with what Iím doing to others, and more to do with what Iím doing to God. It means that Iím acting towards and honoring God and His design for family. By refusing to respect one another in my home, I refuse to respect God. When I fail to honor my loved ones, I fail to honor God. When I sever myself from my family and push away from them, Iím also distancing myself from God. And whenever we separate ourselves from God, thatís called ìsin.î

The devil loves the heat caused by sin. So when your home fires are no longer warming you but burning you and your loved ones, the enemy is cackling in the background. Dysfunction has little to do with the other person and everything to do with us and how we choose to respond to God.

Discussion Prompt: How do you feel about the statement that: ìDysfunction has little to do with the other person and everything to do with us and how we choose to respond to Godî? How can that be true? Is this accurate? Is that true in your life?

The consequences of your choices with your family will be long lasting. Scripture says that it will extend to even the third and fourth generations. That tells us that any coals of dysfunction smoldering in your home now will be carried into your childrenís families for years. That vicious cycle of sin will continue as a living legacy passed from generation to generation. Itís time to break that cycle of sin, amen?!

Letís douse that fire! Things wonít get any better by simply hoping for them to get better. The old saying that ìtime will heal all woundsî isnít 100% accurate. We have to take decisive action to kill the smoldering coals of discontent and even the raging fires of family feuds.

How do we douse the flames? Now that we understand that separation from one another at home is also separation from God Himself, then in order to restore our relationships at home we use the same pattern to restore relationship with God. Same thing! So Iím going to give you three fire extinguishers to take home with you today and turned upon unhealthy smoldering fires in your own heart.

Fire Extinguishers for the Home:

1.      Honest Confession.

The healing process begins with first identifying and confessing our own faults. This means getting beneath the surface to deal with deeper hurts, frustrations and even sins. We all have sins, donít we? Sure! Scripture even says so: ìIf we walk in the light as He Himself is in the light, we have fellowship with one anotherÖ. If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.î (1 Jn. 1:7-9)

Cleansing, healing, being made whole againóall of these things can only begin to happen when we first confess, admitting the things that weíve done wrong. Expose the hurt and pain, allowing healing to set in. Too many times, rather than admitting the wrongs weíve committed, we point at others instead. Then we bear ìjustified resentments.î All that does is stoke the embers and ignite infernos that decimate our homes and our families.

Instead of letting these things burn to the point of being out of control, expose that pain to the lightóconfess it! Then you can ìdrain it,î like a festering wound that has formed pus. That pus will infect others you come into contact with and that infection will spread. Superficial treatment will not help deeper hurts. Instead, choose to expose it, ìdrain it,î and allow healing to set in.

Question 3: Are you bearing a grudge, or a ìjustified resentment,î against someone right now? What is it? Why are you holding on? What would it take to help you let it go?

Some people ask, ìWhat if I wasnít the one who caused the pain? What if it was due to someone elseís abuse, infidelity or sin?î You may not have had any part of the initial sin, but listen very carefully: Whether that wound will have any chance to heal will depend upon your response to what was committed against you.

Your response to the sin is just as critical as the sin. Itís not the act, but your response to it that is up to you. You can either respond by blowing on the hot coal to extinguish it or to incite it to burn harder. Your breath, or response, will determine what happens to that coal. Are you refusing to forgive? Are you wishing curses by what you say about that person, ìtalking stinkî about him or her? Or are you speaking confession, healing and kind words?

The issue isnít about what the other person has done to you, but what are you going to do now? Will you choose to intensify the heat or will you extinguish it? Confession to the Lord, to yourself and to others will help you to heal from this inside out. Not only do we need to confess, but we then need to make changes. That leads us to our second fire extinguisher:

2.      Commitment to Change.

Itís not a matter of seeing our faults, identifying them and waiting for the other person to change. Itís making a commitment to change yourself. The fact is that thereís no way to change anyone else except yourself. The healing process is all about what we are willing to do with ourselves to make it happen.

ìNever pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men. If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all menî (Ro. 12:17-18). It doesnít matter what others do, God is more concerned about what you are going to do. We canít change anyone but we can change ourselves to reflect Jesus. And sometimes thatís the only Jesus that other person will knowóthe Jesus they see shining in you. Then Jesus is allowed to work in their lives and save that person. God doesnít hold us responsible for their change, but we are responsible for making the process as easy as possible.

ìSo then let us pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of one another.î (Rom. 14:19)

ìBut now you also, putÖaside: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from your mouthÖ. since you laid aside the old selfÖ and have put on the new self who is being renewed to a true knowledge according to the image of the One who created him.î (Col. 3:8-10)

Change is about turning ourselves from anything that separates us from God. Even if itís a minor thing, itís not worth sacrificing any relationship with God. Remember, even the smallest spark can start a forest fire. So first confess and then commit to change. This helps us to stop hurting ourselves and others in relationships. But the healing process doesnít end there, you need to take it one step further and have anÖ

3.      Open Heart.

Having an open heart includes having a willingness to open your heart so that the person who has offended you can come back into your heart. This is a tough one, but so vital. This doesnít mean putting yourself back into an abusive situation or putting yourself in personal danger. Neither does it mean being close buddies or reuniting in a harmful relationship. It means giving up the right to get even, or even the right to continue to be hurt. It means extending true forgiveness as well as accepting forgiveness for yourself.

ìAnd be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.î (Eph. 4:32)

ìAnd so, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. And beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity.î (Col. 3:12-14)

Activity: Look at the verse from Colossians 3. Circle all of the character qualities (e.g. ìcompassion, kindness, humilityÖî) & actions (e.g. ìbearing with one another, and forgivingÖî). Which one would you like to highlight in actions at home this week? Think of a creative way to remind yourself to practice this daily. Hold each other accountable.

Forgiveness is the only door that open us up to all God intended us to be. It releases us to go forwardóand not be held back by othersí sins. This changes our relationships so that we can simply love others with Godís love. That fulfills the original definition of a loving family, no matter what others do to usóweíre fulfilling Godís design for a loving community that represents Him in this world.

Itís hard to give up the right to get even. But itís much harder to live the rest of your life with that smoldering coal burning your own heart. God is able to douse that with life-giving water. Let the healing process begin now.

ìDo nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.î (Philip. 2:3-4)

Question 4: Is there a relationship you feel tugging at your heart that needs mending? How can you initiate the healing process within this week? (Follow up with prayer.)

Final Question: What part of this lesson were you most impacted by? Why? How can it change your life today?

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