Pastor Wayne Cordeiro
June 16, 2002 - W0224

Question 1: What is the greatest legacy your parents left you?

THE LEGACY OF PREPARING OUR CHILDREN FOR LIFE DECISIONS

Choosing a life partner is one of the most important life decisions your children will make. If there is anything that will test your faith, commitment, and convictions in this life, it will be the opposite sex. How then do we as parents give wise instruction in this all-important, life-changing, destiny-determining matter? Well, there are certain laws we can give our children to follow so they will indeed have Godís blessings. The first law is this:

1.      THE LAW OF DIFFERENCES.

ìDo not sharply rebuke an older man, but rather appeal to him as a father, to the younger men as brothers, the older women as mothers, and the younger women as sisters, in all purityî (1 Tm. 5:1-2).

God is saying that men and women are different and we need to treat them accordingly. Women tend to think in terms of romanceñlong walks on the beach, moonlight and flowers. They want someone to love and cherish them. Men, on the other hand, think in physical termsñphysical attraction, sex, and gratification. Both sexes process, think, and mature very differently. Therefore, women sometimes think that they must give sex to get love, whereas men sometimes think that love and sex are one and the same.

Self-worth largely depends on how much respect you have for yourself. Self-respect is gained by having high standards and living up to them. On the other hand, if a personís self-image is poor then unworthiness becomes a determining factor. So let me say this to the young ladies: No one can make you feel cheap except you. Itís like placing yourself on a bargain table at a department store sale. Customers have pawed all over these items, and so theyíre now discounted. However, you are not a piece of merchandise, you are a child of God. Remember that nobody can put you on the bargain table but yourself by letting somebody paw all over you. Instead, see yourself as a person of priceless value.

Now let me give a word to the fathers: Please take time to reinforce values all along the way as your children are growing up and not just when they start to fall over the edge. Donít just step in when theyíre messing up. If you werenít reinforcing that value from the beginning, then they wonít begin to respect it now. On the other hand, if youíve taught consistently, then your instruction during a hard time will help them immensely. Remember nothing sticks more than a fatherís comments to a childópositive and negative.

You will have so much influence over your children. How should you steward that? Let me give you three ways. First:

?    *  Lead Them to Security in Christ.

In other words, make your faith something thatís easy to live with at home. Donít become so legalistic and rigid about it that they want to bolt the first chance they get. Take time with them and instill values that let them know how valuable they are in Christ. By being an all-around parent, and not just a legalistic taskmaster, they will be able to see you as a man of faith who is human and likes having fun too.

Question 2: Do you feel secure in Christ, knowing how valuable you are in His eyes? How is that reflected in your teaching and disciplining of your children?

Not only must you help your children to see how valuable they are in Godís eyes but a second key in stewarding your influence on your children is to:

* ?   Help Them to Establish Values.

Values are the strong, internal guidance mechanisms that direct us in life. They are much stronger than emotions or opinions, they are the convictions you live by. And itís important to set this into the foundation of your child in their developing stages so that they can be equipped as an adult.

Here are six values that Iíve learned after 28 years in ministry. These are not necessarily found in the Bible, but they are what I hope to pass on to my kids:

1)      1. NO GOING STEADY IN HIGH SCHOOL

Our kids are still growing up in high school and have to learn to establish healthy relationships with peers of their own gender first. They donít have the maturity level to handle a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship or to keep their hormones in check.

So as parents we have to say no sometimes. Of course, your children will do everything they can to make you waver. But remain steadfast in your convictions because they will respect you for knowing where youíre going and remaining true to that.

2)      2. IF YOU DATE, DATE A GROWING CHRISTIAN

Date someone whose lifestyle reflects their beliefs; not just someone who claims to be a Christian. They have to be a growing Christian because then they will have same blueprint.

3)      3. DOES HE/SHE HAVE RESPECT FOR YOU?

Do they respect you? Even when youíre weak, will they guard you or take advantage of you?

4)      4. DO THEY RESPECT THEIR PARENTS AS WELL AS YOURS?

If they donít have that respect for authority, then when they get married, they wonít respect that relationship either. Theyíve never learned it. Getting married does not correct everything. Whatever existed before, good or bad will only intensify after marriage. If there are good qualities, it gets better. If there is a character problem, it will get worse.

When I was dating Anna, one of the things that really touched my heart was her love for her parents and the way she respected her dad. I knew she understood that order of authority in the family that would continue in marriage.  

Some people ask, ìShould we date or just wait for God to tell us who is ëThe Oneí?î I say go ahead and date, but donít make it romantic. Scripture tells us to ìtreat the younger women as sisters.î When you go out on a date, donít treat women as open game; treat them as a sister. Learn how to protect them rather than take advantage of them. Make sure you take the time to get to know each other so that youíre sure to please God in this relationship.

5.      CAN THEY DEVELOP A FRIENDSHIP WITHOUT BEING PHYSICALLY INVOLVED?

This is a tremendous test of a personís character, and a critical one to know if youíre interested in another person. Out of a deep friendship with a person can blossom a beautiful marriage, if youíve first taken the time to nurture a non-physical relationship.

6.      IS HE OR SHE SECURE IN THEMSELVES?

Are they always fawning over you? Make sure they are secure in Christ or there will be a constant craving that only you will able to fulfill. That becomes dangerous. 

Question 3: What were the rules your own parents set for you as you were growing up and considering the opposite sex and dating? Which ones were effective?

Question 4: What are the values youíre setting for your children? Evaluate honestly which ones are effective and which ones may need to be tweaked or tossed. 

In order to influence your children in the ways of God, first lead them to security in Christ, then help them to establish values, and third:

* ?         Teach Them that ìLoveî is Not the Parameter for Sex; Marriage is!

Many people think itís okay to have sex outside of marriage because you plan to get married to that person one day. On the contrary, we have to be people that can build a future together on Godís Word. And according to His Word, the parameters for sex is not just ìlove,î it is marriageña lifetime commitment to one another. Within these parameters there will be a sense of trust, a sense of freedom, and you will have done it Godís way. And the truth is that the closer you get to God the more youíll appreciate how beautiful a physical relationship really is and how fulfilling it can be within His parameters. He created the gift of sex, and His way of giving that gift will always be the best way.

Question 5: Before coming to Christ, what were your views on sex and marriage? Have they changed at all?

The laws that God gives us will be legacies we can leave for our children. So the first law is the law of differencesóappreciating the differences in the sexes and adjusting our behavior and values accordingly. The second law is:

2.      2. THE LAW OF ORDER.

ìBody, soul, and spiritîóweíve often heard this phrase. Itís supposed to describe our total existence. But thereís a little catch: Itís out of order. And though the world would have you buy this one hook, line and sinker, be careful because you may end up dead wrong. ìThere is a way which seems right to a man, but its end is the way of deathî (Pr. 14:12). Letís see what God says:

THREE PRIORITIES IN ORDER

ìNow may the God of Peace Himself sanctify you entirely; and may your spirit and soul and body be preserved complete without blame at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christî (1 Thess. 5:23).

Notice how the order here is listed: spirit, soul, and body. Place that order as the level of priority in your mind and life: first the spirit, second comes your soul, and last is the body. With this order set in place, youíre ready to build a lifetime relationship.

?         A. SPIRIT

Your spirit is that which communicates with God. When you accepted Jesus as Lord and Savior, God was able to breathe His Spirit alive in your heart; thatís what we call ìborn again.î Then we are full and complete. A whole transformation takes place when your spirit comes alive. God is Spirit and we respond to Him with our spirit. Thatís why itís important to place this first in your life.

The guideline here is to make sure you are doing what honors God in a relationship. When you are both following the same Lord, then even if you hit a speed bump or take different paths, the Lord will bring you back in alignment to Him through a power thatís beyond you. So the first thing in courtship is make sure on youíre both on the same page spiritually.

?         B. SOUL

Our ìsoulî includes the mind and emotions. Our guideline here is to build friendships without going to the sheets together. Build on the ability to simply enjoy each otherís company.

I first started dating Anna in Bible College. We committed to pray together 3 times a week for 2 years. We listened to each otherís prayers and grew close by getting to know one another. We became friends and enjoyed being together. After 28 years, weíre still the best of friends.

If physical attraction and sexual activity is the first thing that draws you to one another, what will happen years later? What happens when the euphoria wears off? You better have a foundation of relationship there because if sex was all that you had in common, whatís left when itís gone? Make sure there is a lifetime commitment of friendship. Thatís your foundation.

So first is the spirit and then the soul. Then finally, placed in very last priority is theÖ

?         C. BODY

Our physical needs come in very last place in Godís perspective. Yes, they are important, but only after fulfilling the spirit and the soul. This is the same in relationships. Only when thereís a lifetime commitment of friendship to one another within that framework of marriage, only then does sexual activity become something beautiful and fulfilling. It becomes a gift from God that draws a couple together.

Self-check: How are you doing in this area? Do you really live by the Godís order of 1) Spirit, 2) Soul, 3) Body? Why so?

Spirit, soul, and then bodyódonít get them out of order. That fulfills the law of order that you get to instruct to your children. First was the law of differences, second was the law of order and finally:

3.                   THE LAW OF PURITY.

I want to illustrate a point for the young people here. Suppose you were given as a legacy an exquisite diamond worth $150,000 from a wealthy grandparent. Suppose too that this legacy was given with the understanding that you have the privilege of giving it away to one special person. Additionally, the gift can only be given once and, once given, it cannot be taken back.

How would you treat that gift? Would you give it to the first person who liked it and wanted it? Would you give it to the person who demanded it as a way of proving your love? Would you carelessly give it away because others made fun of you for still having it? Would you throw yours away because others did and are trying to convince you to do it too?

Well, every young person has this gift. Itís called virginity. Giving it away is like giving away a large sum of money, except that this gift is worth much more than $150,000. Itís priceless. Remember, this is a beautiful gift and the special person you will give it to is the one that you will marry for a lifetime. The right time to give this gift will be your wedding night. God is saying the best gift you can give on your wedding night is the gift of purity. What person would not be thrilled to receive such a gift!

Now the question: ìWhat if Iíve already given it away?î Letís take a look at how Jesus addresses this question in the Bible. There was a woman caught in adultery and about to be stoned to death as her punishment under their law. But before they could stone her, Jesus intervened by saying, ìThe one who is without sin, let him be the first to cast a stone.î One by one, all of her accusers dropped their rocks and left. Then the Lord turned to that woman and asked if there was anyone left to condemn her. ìAnd she said, ëNo one, Lord.í And Jesus said, ëNeither do I condemn you; go your way. From now on sin no moreî (John 8:11).

Back to the question, what if you already gave it away? Can you get it back? No, you cannot. However, though you may not be able to get your physical virginity back, you can get your ìinner purityî back. In essence the law of purity is this: Choosing to say no to any further sex until marriage and living out that decision. Just as Jesus instructed the woman, apply the law of purity and sin no more. Choosing the law of purity is not saying no to sex forever, itís saying no to cheap sex now. That way, when youíre married you can say yes to what God has planned all along. So start anew and regain your inner purity.

That brings up another question. What if weíre involved sexually right now? Thatís a hard one, but I would say the best thing to do is break it off. It you donít, and instead try to just slow down the physical side then it will be kind of like trying to back up on a crowded freeway. Itís almost impossible. Itís better to take an exit and just end the relationship with a clean break. Then you can start over Godís way.

God shines His light not to bring condemnation but rather through conviction so that we may choose to match up to His plan for abundance. It is then that we will see the most precious future designed by the Lord Himself. The greatest legacy we can leave our children will be preparing them to make wise life decisions. ìI have no greater joy than this, to hear of my children walking in the truthî (3 John 1:4).

Question 6: What most impacted you in this lesson? How can you apply this today?

Summarized by our own faithful volunteer... Rhonda Pang. URDABES!