Pastor Wayne Cordeiro
June 2, 2002 - W0222

A big Texan threw a huge dinner party at his estate. He gathered his guests around the swimming pool he had filled with snarling, snapping, starving alligators. He boasted, ìIíll give anybody $10 million to swim across this pool.î No sooner had he said that when splash, someone jumped in. The crowd watched in amazement as he darted through the voracious alligators. Finally, he jumped out, dripping wet and stood there shaking. The Texan billionaire looked at him in awe. ìMy goodness! Well, how do you want that money? Cash, stocks or money order?î The swimmer answered, ìI donít want any of that, I just want to know who pushed me in!î

We can feel that way in our marriages, ìWho pushed us in?î The reason you may feel that way is because you will never have the character to finish the race when you start it. That character comes along the way. Itís not standard itís an option. But God encourages us to pursue it: ìLet us pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of one anotherî (Ro. 14:19).

Question 1: How are you doing in your marriage? Do you feel like somebody ìpushed you inî or do you feel like youíre swimming along just fine?

God is saying that one of the most important things to sustain you through the marathon of life is a healthy relationship. There are 3 building blocks to help us build an abundant marriage.

THREE BUILDING BLOCKS TO A LOVING MARRIAGE:

1.      BUILD A LASTING FRIENDSHIP.

The single most important thing that has helped my wife Anna and I to keep a vibrant relationship over the years is that we are best friends and we make sure we always are. It is so important to be friends. A lot of people donít fall out of love, they fall out of friendship. The Bible says that being friends is such an important building block: ìBe devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honorî (Ro. 12:10).

Question 2: On a scale of 1-10, (1 = terrible and 10 = terrific), how would you rate your friendship with your spouse? Why?

Question 3: What are some encouraging ways you would like to increase that score in the way you relate to your spouse? How can you improve?

Mary Alda, the wife of the actor Alan Alda, said this: ìIn our society itís becoming easier and easier to leave your spouse. But it will always be very difficult to leave your best friend.î Thatís exactly why itís so critical to built strong friendships while youíre dating. Make sure you enjoy being with one another. One of the things, however, that will kill that is when you jump into a physical relationship too quickly. The sexual intimacy overshadows the need to build deep friendship and we become blind to serious character flaws. Then you jump into the marathon race called marriage and you find out that youíre not very good friends. Be sure to build a strong friendship before you say, ìI do.î

ìBut,î some might ask, ìwhat if I already made that mistake and jumped into bed too quickly? Now what?î Listen, God always takes you right where you are right now. If youíre willing to allow Him to work inside of you today, then donít allow the mistakes of yesterday to hold you back. Give Him all your heart so that He can help you into all the promise of your tomorrows.

Here are a few ways to help build your friendship in marriage, and even before:

?        Communicate with One Another

This begins with your ability to listen. Thatís the very first step of communication because too often talk, talk, talk without ever really communicating. The goal of communication is to give context of where Iím coming from so that you may understand me more and thereís a greater depth of patience, understanding and empathy. Listening allows you to give preference in honoring one another. And then, by listening and allowing the other person to speak, it usually leads to the other person allowing me to speak because theyíve been heard and validated.

Question 4: On a scale of 1-10 (1 = terrible & 10 = terrific), how would you rate your ability to communicate with your spouse? Are you a good listener?

One of the greatest killers of friendships is arguing. Iím not saying that you ignore issues or differences that need to be resolved, but arguing is not the way to do it. Offer your family a place of peace within the walls of your home so they donít have to seek it elsewhereóin a bar, a gang, or a hangout thatís less than desirable.

ìArguments separate friends like a gate locked with iron barsî (Pr. 18:19 NLT). The way to resolve issues is not by arguing, being demanding or condescending, or making quick judgments. Nor do we get to throw fits, tantrums or use our moods and ultimatums to manipulate one another. Another thing you want to avoid is becoming the family historianósomeone who keeps the score of when things went wrong. Which leads us to our next pointÖ

?        Choose to Believe the Best.

ì[Love] always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the endî (1 Cor. 13:7 Msg; see also 1 Cor. 6:7).

I know this is tough. Iím not saying that everyoneís intentions will always be flawless and pure. But itís not for us to become the prosecuting attorney for our family, finding every reason to condemn them to a hefty criminal sentence. Instead, weíre directed to believe the best.

Ultimately, each of us is accountable to Jesusófor our actions as well as for our own happiness. Often we hold our partner responsible for our happiness. One of the most dangerous things we can do is let other people determine our happiness. But if I run my joy through people, then my happiness will always be dependent and determined by that personís performance. And since none of us are perfect, then weíre bound to have our hopes dashed by the other personís lackluster performance. Make sure youíre basing your happiness in the Lord.

Activity 1: List your 3 favorite things about your spouse. Now, tell them!

Question 5: What made you first fall in love with your spouse? Identify some of the reasons youíre still in love today.

One of the first building blocks that have helped Anna and I over the years, is to make sure weíre good friends and weíve built our friendship every day. Listening, communicating and choosing to believe the best about each other are vital to stoking the flame of our love for one another. The second building block has to do with lifeís non-negotiablesÖ

2.      BUILD LIFE PRIORITIES THAT CORRECT.

Life priorities are points that help us to navigate the course of our lives. These are like the core values of our churchóprinciples we hold tightly to; they flavor every activity and balance every endeavor. Each member wholeheartedly subscribes to each one. Itís kind of like the metronome that keeps us all paddling at the same cadence. And in doing so, we can all have ìthe same love, united in spirit, intent on one purposeî (Phil. 2:2).

Thereís a scripture Anna and I live by: ìBetter is a little with the fear of the Lord, than great treasure and turmoil with itî (Pr. 15:16). This tells us that itís better to have a great relationship than to have great wealth. So if weíre starting to lose our relationship with God and with one another, we ask ourselves ìWhat do we need to prune to get back to our life priorities?î

Another core value we have is this: ìDivorce is not an option.î This is a life priority we live by in our marriage. Here are a few other core values for marriages today:

?                    Commit to the Same Blueprint.

Make sure you and your partner are committed to the same life mapóeven if youíre just dating or considering marriage. Make sure you both have the same finish lineóheaven! Otherwise you get so enamored with each other that you run the race for a while and then you find out his finish line is different from yours. Then youíll begin to pull apart, and that hurts! Make sure you have the same course from the very beginning. Then when you begin to drift, you recheck your map, make necessary adjustments and stay on track for successfully crossing the finish line together. 

Thatís why the Bible is so incredibly important. Itís our guidebook for living. Daily devotions allows God to speak right into our marriage. We donít have to wait for major correction, because weíre allowing Him to speak into our lives daily. ìAll Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It straightens us out and teaches us to do what is rightî (2 Tim. 3:16).

The Bible is our ultimate core value and it keep us on track in so many situations. Itís like a lifeguard that calls you back into shore before you stray too hard. And believe me, itís so much better to get called in by a lifeguard than get yelled at by the megaphone of the Coast Guard! Then youíve definitely strayed too far. But if you have drifted too far, then what?

?        Make a Commitment to Do Whatís Right, Whatever the Cost.

Often when things go wrong, we just want to execute somebody. But Godís goal is not execution itís restoration. Godís goal is never death, itís life! ìI take no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but rather that they turn from their ways and liveî (Ezek. 33:11).

We have to make a commitment early on to protect our relationship, no matter what. And when it drifts, weíll do whatever we need to do to save the relationship. The reality is, there are no perfect spouses and so there will be an inevitable drift. But if youíre committed to restoration, you can overcome that. ìListen to counsel and accept discipline that you may be wise the rest of your daysî (Pr. 19:20). Donít just get counsel, but then complete the disciplines required to restore your relationship. Thatís what makes the difference!

Activity 2: Do you have a set of life priorities/core values for your family? If not, take time as a couple and as a family to make a family covenant. Pray and ask for direction, then discern what core values are important to the everyday life of maintaining a healthy family.

So make a commitment to do whatever it takes so that you may get it right and make the right choice for your marriage. These first two building blocks are incredibly important, but let me add a third that I think has helped me the mostÖ

3.      BUILD YOUR UNDERSTANDING OF OUR ETERNAL ASSIGNMENT.

Many of us live with the myth that marriage is to make us happy. Thatís nice but itís not enough. Itís much bigger than that! God has an eternal assignment that is designed to come to pass through your marriage. ìHusbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the churchÖî (Eph. 5:25). Your marriage is to be a living object lesson of how the Lord loves people.

That way, when people see the way I love my wife Anna, I hope they see in some tangible way how God loves us, the church. Itís not about me, itís about me reflecting God and His plans on this earth. So I get to put aside my own selfishness and happiness, and learn to love my wife and my family better every day. ìÖAnd be subject to one another in the fear of Christî (Eph. 5:21).

Weíre not the perfect, ìBrady Bunchî family, but because weíre able to work through problems, people might see that and know that if God can do that with us, then Heís able to do that with their family too. It gives people hope. Itís a huge assignment and itís eternal. ìAnd I do all things for the sake of the gospel, that I may become a fellow partaker of itî (1 Cor. 9:23).

And that gives credibility, through your living out your faith, to God and His church. Itís through loving Godís one anothers in our marriage, in such a way that people will see our good works and glorify our Father. And that will be an answer to His prayer for His Bride, a whole and healthy church that shines her light into the community.

Final Question: What point most impacted you from this lesson? How will you be different today because of it?